03 T.J. Washington In “B Is For Basement” Pt. 2

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II. Chicken Soup For The Skull

“Hey Sam,” I said from the sidecar of the motorcycle we had just stolen. “Why don’t we make this motorcycle fly?”

“Oh, that’s right, dream motorcycles do fly.”

“If you want ’em to.”

“Yeah, This dream is so real, I almost forgot they have different rules.”

Sam put out his cigar and started the motorcycle. We zipped down the street and when we reached a good speed Sam yelled, “Hang on, I’m taking it up!” And that’s just what he did.

Dream flying is a little different than regular flying. As a matter of fact, just about everything is a little different in the dreamlands, but anyone who’s been asleep more than once knows this to be a true fact.

In the dream world, time and distance don’t have the same authority that they do in the regular one. Also, things have no obligation to make any kind of sense whatsoever. The regular world has a Newtonian undercoat to it, but not so much the dreamland. Again, this shouldn’t be news to anyone older than seven.

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Jimmy Jam, Sally Slam and The Rude Awakening Pt. 4

The Rude Awakening IV.

Gentle reader, it is my duty to inform you that this particular installment of The Adventures of Jimmy Jam is even more unsuited for children than usual. We’ve discussed the nature of Whammies and why they should never be used as a substitute for parenting, but I feel we have neglected to address the specific nature of Whammy Breaking.

To put it simply without sugar coating things, in order to break the Whammy, Jimmy’s and Sally’s parents must die. Now, due to the nature of magic and magical people, death isn’t always as final a thing as it seems to the non-magical. Still, dead parents are dead parents and there is little reason to find joy in such a situation. It is a well-known fact that even children who are estranged from their parents feel just as bad about the passing of their parents as a child with good parental relations. No matter how one feels about their parents, it tends to change once they are gone forever from their lives.

When we last saw our group of Whammy Breakers, they were headed into Tiger Tail Resort, an indoor water-park/luxury hotel geared towards children under the age of ten. Jimmy’s Grandfather and his good friend Gustav took Jimmy and Sally there to ride out the Whammy breaking and to give them a good and proper talking to about their behavior, but neither Jimmy nor Sally knew anything about that. Yet.

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01 The Ruiner “Easy Way Out” Pt. 8

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VIII- World’s Best Plan

White House security wasn’t what it used to be or maybe it was just that Vincent Harris was getting better at his job. It’d been a while since he’d snuck into the President’s home and he swore it wasn’t this easy last time.

If it were daytime he would have just went in as part of the tour and snuck away to wait for the President in the Oval Office. Being as it was the dead of night, Harris came up with a different plan.

It wasn’t the kind of plan that was going to win the award for “World’s Best Plan”, but what it lacked in cleverness and grace it more than made up for in terms of sheer effectiveness and simplicity.

Harris spent most of the past decade or so learning how to kill people and then killing people, but that was only one side to his training. Getting into and out of places unseen and unnoticed were skills just as important to someone in his line of work. Being unnoticed was far more difficult than just not being seen. There are many ways to know if someone is around and only one of them relies on sight. Bio-electrical sensors, infrared body heat imagers, microphones, scales, and scent detectors could betray a human’s presence without resorting to seeing them.

Guards weren’t a problem, they hardly ever posed more than an annoyance to him. The biggest difficulty was deciding whether to kill them or put them to sleep. At first, Harris struggled with those options, but now he had a system. Even number days he put guards to sleep, odd-numbered ones he’d scramble their brains. The only exception was that he never killed soldiers or agents working for the United States.

He didn’t always sneak into the White House, he’d been there plenty of times for legitimate reasons and used the door like everyone else for those times. This time was different though, this was the first time he broke into the White House specifically to commit treason.

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03 T.J. Washington In “B Is For Basement” Pt. 1

Late to the game? Catch up here.

I. “B” Is For Basement

Sam and I were in an elevator. It was a Tuesday morning, not my favorite morning of the week if I’m being honest. Truth of the matter is I’m more of a Wednesday type fellow when it comes to mornings, that’s if I have to choose, which I don’t. My opinions about the times of day and how I feel about them were neither here nor there, though. Sam and I were on a case.

A local law firm suspected there was a vampire living in the basement and called me to have a look see. I called Sam because he likes going into law firm basements. I asked him why. He just said, “You’ll see.”

Vampires are pretty common and usually not that much of a problem if you’re smart about it, which I usually am. Easiest way to get rid of a vampire is get it when it’s sleeping. Killing something while it sleeps is one of the easiest ways to kill something mechanically speaking. Emotionally and morally it can be a different story, depending on what or who’s getting 86’d. I focus mostly on killing monsters, so I don’t usually find myself in the middle of an internal moral struggle when it’s time to kill them.

This particular elevator we were in had three buttons: “B”, “G”, and “U”.
I pushed the one labeled “B” because that’s the button that usually takes you to the basement. It’s a lucky thing that elevator buttons are pretty standard. It’s the one place where things can’t go wrong.

“Why’d you do that?” Sam said with a slightly disgusted tone. “We need to go underground, you should’ve pushed ‘U’, not ‘B’. No telling where we’ll end up now.”

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05 Jimmy Jam, Sally Slam and The Rude Awakening Pt. 3

The Rude Awakening III

The ride to Tiger Tail Resort was about 60 minutes in adult time. For Jimmy and Sally it felt like exactly 143 minutes. Because of their unfinished brains, high metabolisms, unmitigated curiosity, and unbridled enthusiasm, children are often subject to time warps, slow-downs, speed-ups, and spontaneous bouts of time travel which makes going anywhere with them something of an inconvenience for everyone, big and small, involved.

There are ways to ease the discomfort of children in transit, but many of them involve seeing things from the perspective of a child and trying to understand their point of view. Sadly, these are not popular methods with many modern parents who prefer demanding and ordering their children over understanding them.

Jimmy and Sally were so excited over going to Tiger Tail Resort that they seemed to be full of jumping beans and couldn’t sit still or be quiet without great difficulty. Jimmy’s Grandfather knew this and expected neither quiet nor stillness from either of the children. The little chatter-boxes rattled of a non-stop list off questions that would have exhausted even the most patient parent.

Only a grandparent could hope to live through such an onslaught of queries while retaining their sanity.

A partial list of those questions lies below:

“How did you make my coat appear?”

“How long until the whammy is broken?”

“Can I pee on the side of the road?”

“I wanna pee outside too.”

“Is Tiger Tail Resort really where we’re going?”

“I don’t have to pee anymore.”

“What’s that?”

“Why’s that?”

“Are we there yet?”

“There’s something in Jimmy’s eye.”

“Does Mom know?”

“What about Dad, does he know?”

“Do we get to go on all the rides?”

“How much ice cream can I eat?”

“Will breaking the Whammy hurt?”

“Does everyone get to be a ghost?”

“How many dogs have you owned?”

“How much magic is there?”

“Can I get a hat like the driver has?”

“Am I a witch?”

“I’m thirsty?”

“Is growing up worth it?”

“Is being old fun?”

“What are taxes?”

“What are faxes?”

“Are faxes like taxes?”

“Why do they sound the same then?”

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