Stellar Forecast With Stella December 2017

Dear Ones,
It’s December! Winter is in full bloom as the sun is going to bed earlier and earlier on account of a recent relapse that may or may not have involved smoking some crack with the rats who live by the shed.

Anyway, it’s a big month astrologically speaking. The suns moves out of one sign and into another AND there’s a solstice. The Winter one. Don’t forget to turn your heater on, all cats are going to be cold until March.

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Stellar Forecast With Stella November 2017

Dear Ones,
The year is dwindling away like the serotonin in my brain. The meds helped for a while, but they stopped working after I quit taking them. It’s getting colder but my stupid uncle won’t turn the heat on yet, so I’m just going to have to get used to it. I wish Gary would call me back, I’m running low. At least there’s a full box of meowlowe to keep me company. Sometimes, I wish a single middle-aged woman would adopt me and dress me up in outfits. I’d be such an adorable pumpkin. Here’s your cosmic bullshit for November. Hissasocritious!

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Stellar Forecast With Stella October 2017


Dear Ones,

October is here and with it Pumpkin Spice! I’m not a fan of that stuff myself, but I have to admit that it works great in my new fall line of foot-made lotions. Have you tried “Stella’s Pumpkin Spice Face Moisturizer”? You can get it from my Etsy shop. It’s a little-known fact that how much fall lotion you use is directly proportionate to the amount of positive stellar energy you’re able to absorb. Don’t forget to grab some of my Pumpkin Spice Facial Toner while you’re there, it’s for your own good.

October is also the time of Libra, the sign of balance. Everyone needs more balance in their lives, so it’s a good thing that the sun will be pummeling us with Libra vibes for a while. It’s the energy you need to balance making a new logo for your column with your drinking habits. Balance, am I right? You can balance all kinds of things. You can, for example, balance your prescription medications with your all natural “meds” so you don’t end up melting down on a podcast, getting sent to rehab, and being put on a calmative as a condition of keeping your current job, like what happened to my friend, Alice.

That’s enough about Alice and her bad habits, let’s see what the stars have in store for you this month:

Aries- You’ll find yourself balancing your checkbook while juggling atop a unicycle before you know it if you allow yourself to go running around improperly moisturized.

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Stellar Forecast With Stella September 2017

Dear Ones,

We just about made it through the hell days of summer, so now it’s time to start complaining about how it’s getting colder and colder all the time as the days get shorter and the nights go on forever. It’s just great, isn’t it? A miracle, really. No. Really.

The Sun enters Virgo this month, why I’ll never know. Whorego is more like it. Whatever, I’m too busy to get all basic on this.

Here’s this month’s message from the heavens:

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Stellar Forecast With Stella August 2017

outer space 

My Dear Ones,

The Sun has entered Leo, the sign of cats, bringing with it a hot blast of intense solar energy. It’s how summer happens. The hot, humid, hazy, godforsaken summer. Leo energy is the kind of energy that demands you do nothing with your day but lay around and get mad at your uncle for letting the water in your dish get all the way up to room temperature.

The stars are much the same this month, too busy and clueless to help you out properly, so all you get is left over attention and room temperature “sustenance”. It’s enough to make a body want to call DCF (Dept. of Cats and Felines) but those social worker bozos can’t get anything right. Whatever….

Star Mistress Stella, Master of Stars


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