Byline: Gary Llewellyn
Dateline: July 1st, 2017
No, people, you can’t leave Ohio without learning something completely awful. This time the grim toll for egress was the Melonheads. They are not a catchy, upbeat, sweater wearing band of the early nineties. These Melonheads are of the evil children variety. Now, normally I don’t fuck with evil kids, but these little motherfuckers have an off the wall origin story. It starts with a mad scientist named Dr. Crow who performed weird experiments on children. Metal as hell from the get go. The doctor would take these children…I don’t know how big their heads were from the jump, but the Dr. Crow would inject fluid into their heads which caused them to expand. I don’t think it works that way, but myths don’t operate on sense, they operate on belief. What is it in the psyche of Ohio that demands demon monkey science projects into existence? Or Connecticut, who made the little jerks into cannibals who live on Dracula Drive? In Michigan they call them ‘wobbleheads.’ The kids eventually burned down the orphanage Dr. Crow kept them in.
Continue reading ““Classic” SEG: Page Five Ghouls July 1, 2017″
The Grassman Goeth
Byline: Gary Llewellyn
Dateline: June 24, 2017
I have to admit, when I heard about this week’s monster, I got pretty jazzed, but then it turned out to be some bigfoot-type shit living in Ohio. The government supposedly rounded up all the bigfoot and sent them to Mars to activate the pyramid and terraform the planet. They say it’s breathable up there now. All those pictures NASA feeds us from the Curiosity. That’s Arizona, man.
Goddamit, I’m out of smokes. How many did I smoke? I gotta get Stephanie hooked on smoking so she has cigs I can bum. So there’s some stragglers and this one made it to Ohio and stopped for some reason. Another poor bastard ended up in Pennsylvania. Why didn’t they go north? What the hell’s in Pennsylvania? But then, if he kept going and crossed the river he’d run into a devil. Nobody needs that. I speak from experience.
Continue reading ““Classic” SEG: Page Five Ghouls June 24, 2017″
Step Right Up
Byline: Gary Llewellyn
Dateline: August 26th, 2017
It can take a photon a million or more years to escape to the surface from its birthplace at the core of a star. Photons from the star Cas take sixteen thousand years to reach the Earth. Your life compared to a photon’s is that of a mayfly to you. Yet you were at the exact moment in time and exact point in space to catch that sucker in a cosmic, kamikaze money shot right on your retina, where it has converted to power a chemical chain in your central nervous system that caused you to think you saw light. You saw what your brain tells you is light and adds it to the map it’s constantly projecting onto reality. The relevant part of this rant ended with catching a million years old stellar load in the eye. I’m an imperceptible blip to this thing. I don’t exist long enough to qualify as a phantom, yet I’m at the right place and time, in the history of the universe, to murder the little fucker with my gaze.The point is, people like to tell me, ‘Gary, you can’t fight it. This thing is ancient.’ I slaughter innumerable ancient things just by opening my eyes. And you can open your eyes too. Just write to:
Send a $5 check or money order in a SASE to:
Gary’s Used Eclipse Glasses
℅ Kenbro Inc.
777 Mathers Court
Pueblo, CO. 81001
Continue reading ““Classic” SEG: Page Five Ghouls August 26, 201″
Your Tanzanian Grandpappy’s Slender Man
In Tanzania, in the mid-sixties, someone felt the need to invent a very specific and horrifying urban myth. What followed was mass hysteria, most recently manifested in 1995. Popobawa, what’s name translates to ‘batwing,’ is a small humanoid with a large eye in the middle of it’s face, bat wings (see above) and a prodigious wang. It’s arrival is marked by the smell of sulfur, poltergeist action, and ninja butt sex. Best part of all: you have to admit to your friends that were the recipient of surreptitious sodomy or Popobawa keeps coming back. Did I say the best part? It’s also a shapeshifter.
Continue reading “SEG 1st Anniversary: Page Five Ghoul: Popo Bawa”
Another month with five Saturdays? And it’s the end of the year to boot! Grab the kids by their scruff, put some helmets on them, and strap them in for another adventure*.
*adventure not suitable for children or child like.
Continue reading “The Saturday Morning Ghost Dec. 30, 2017”