Mystical Merwin Psychic Pet, Pet Psychic November 2017

Dear Merwin,
I have 3 cats, 2.6 dogs (long story), a hamster, and some sort of bird. Everyone gets along pretty well considering I live in a one bedroom apartment. My question is about the upcoming holidays. There’s such a mix of breeds and species, how can I celebrate this season without offending one or all of them?

2 of the cats are orange and the other is a tuxedo, so I know they come from different cultures and have different holiday traditions. I know nothing about the holidays and religious preferences of dogs, and Rosco doesn’t seem too interested in celebrating the holidays in the traditional hamster manner- not that I know what that would be like.

How can I at least acknowledge the wonderful tapestry of diversity and encourage everyone to do the same without offending anyone?

Thanks!
Claire Laboodoo
South Dakota

Dear Claire,
Wikipedia defines psychological projection as “Psychological projection is a theory in psychology in which humans defend themselves against their own unconscious impulses or qualities (both positive and negative) by denying their existence in themselves while attributing them to others.”

As Always I Remain,
Merwin

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Mystical Merwin Psychic Pet, Pet Psychic October 2017

Dear Merwin,
There’s a squirrel that always comes right up to me and sits on my shoe and stares into my eyes for hours. Is there anything that I need to do about this? It’s been going on for about 4 months now. I’m not sure he (or she) qualifies as a pet, but if anyone can help me out, it’s you.

Selena in West Eastboro

Dear Selena,
Have you fed it? If so, that’s enough for it to count as a pet legally in most places. I took a journey into the ether in order to search for this squirrel and discuss its intentions with it, but was unable to find the slightest trace of its energy signature. I’ve sent this news up the ladder to the proper authorities. I only hope they get it in time. If you haven’t fed it, I urge you not to. If you have, you might want to get your affairs in order. This could be serious business with far-reaching consequences or it could be silly squirrel stuff. There’s really no way to tell without performing a detailed analysis of each of your brains.

Thanks for alerting me and stay on your toes, it might be a little “nutty” out there until this is all worked out.

Your Pal,
Merwin

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Mystical Merwin Psychic Pet, Pet Psychic September 2017

Dear Merwin,
Why are cats so afraid of cucumbers? I watch a lot of stuff online and saw like bazillions of cats freaking out when they saw them. I don’t like vegetables either, but c’mon.

Lilly in Lillydale

Dear Lilly,
Good question! I went to the Catstral Plane and took a survey of 100 cats and asked them your question. Here’s the breakdown:

90% were just trying to get on YouTube
3% had bad kittenhood experiences with salad
7% were high as a kite on nip

Mystery solved!
Merwin

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Mystical Merwin Psychic Pet, Pet Psychic August 2017

Dear Merwin,

My sister Sue Sally drinks all day and stopped taking care of her baby goat, Marcus. The court gave me custody of him even though I don’t know anything about goats. I love Marcus like he was my own baby goat and even dress him up in pajamas and overalls (but not both at once- he hates that). Also, I let him climb up on whatever he wants, but I don’t think that I’m doing enough to take care of him.

Can you please ask him if he’s happy with me? While I enjoy his company, it’s more important that he is happy and properly cared for.

Thanks,
Sally Sue in Hoboken

Dear Sally Sue,

First, allow me to congratulate you for stepping in and cleaning up your sister’s mess. Drunken goat owners have brought so much destruction to the world already; I’m glad you were able to prevent another disaster before it happened.

Secondly, I spoke with Marcus. Please stop dressing him in the overalls with the boat on them and let him wear the overalls with the rocket ships all over them more often. He feels they allow him to jump higher, and as you must know by now, goats love jumping.

Marcus is as happy as he can be, considering he’s being raised by the wrong species in the wrong environment. He informed me that you do an excellent job of feeding him (he especially likes the Tuesday Tin Can Buffet by the way) and making sure he stays healthy. While he may not seem to appreciate daily visits to the vet’s office, he knows they are
important and will help him grow up to be a healthy adult goat.

And now we come to the problem. Marcus is not, nor does he intend to be, an inside goat. Marcus, like most- if not all- goats, needs to be mostly outside. He’s happy to stay with you until he’s about 8 inches taller than he is now. After that, he’ll need to live on a farm or get a job so he can move out.

Good Luck!
Merwin

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Mystical Merwin Psychic Pet, Pet Psychic July 2017

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Dear Merwin,
I think my neighbors cat might be a terrorist. I’ve convinced myself that this cat is a member of that religion that every one hates and is afraid of now a days and I won’t be changing my mind about that any time soon. Lately he received over 30 packages of bang snaps. I feel he’s planning something, possibly something big. What should I do?

Gertrude in New York

Dear Gertrude,
I spoke to Hans, the cat in question. We had a nice chat in the Catstral Plane about how irritating it is when people don’t mind their own business. Hans comes from along line of Lutherans and is confused about why you thought he was Muslim. Is it because of the color of his fur? It’s not even black, you monster.

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