I hope I addressed you correctly. The last time I wrote a letter to an advice columnist it went poorly. I broke some invisible rules and took a verbal beating that bordered on spiritual abuse. Anyways, here’s my question for you- I have a cat named Bonkers, she’s not at all like that monkey named Bonkers from your first column. Don’t worry.
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I really hope you print this letter because I have a really big problem. I think you might be the only one who can help me out of this. I have two cats, one is named “Bill Bo, ” and the other is named “Bagg Inns.” Bagg Inns’ name is spelled funny, but that’s because he’s a funny guy- like you I bet! Well, maybe you’re more serious and mystical than funny, I don’t know. We’ve never met. I’d like to meet you. Anytime! You already have my address because I mailed you a letter and you have my phone number because I wrote it in the letter. Ball’s in your court.
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My pet monkey Bonkers is doing this thing that is making him difficult to be around. He has taken to regularly masturbating all over the floor. He won’t even use a tissue or a sock. I have made a point to leave socks all around the house for the express purpose of his monkey sperm not being on my rug or in my hair.
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