Mystical Merwin Pet Psychic, Psychic Pet

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Dear Merwin,

I hope I addressed you correctly. The last time I wrote a letter to an advice columnist it went poorly. I broke some invisible rules and took a verbal beating that bordered on spiritual abuse.¬†Anyways, here’s my question for you- I have a cat named Bonkers, she’s not at all like that monkey named Bonkers from your first column. Don’t worry.

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Mystical Merwin Pet Psychic/Psychic Pet

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Merwin,
I really hope you print this letter because I have a really big problem. I think you might be the only one who can help me out of this. I have two cats, ¬†one is named “Bill Bo, ” and the other is named “Bagg Inns.” Bagg Inns’ name is spelled funny, but that’s because he’s a funny guy- like you I bet! Well, maybe you’re more serious and mystical than funny, I don’t know. We’ve never met. I’d like to meet you. Anytime! You already have my address because I mailed you a letter and you have my phone number because I wrote it in the letter. Ball’s in your court.

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Mystical Merwin Psychic Pet/Pet Psychic

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Dear Merwin,
My pet monkey Bonkers is doing this thing that is making him difficult to be around. He has taken to regularly masturbating all over the floor. He won’t even use a tissue or a sock. I have made a point to leave socks all around the house for the express purpose of his monkey sperm not being on my rug or in my hair.

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