Jimmy Jam, Sally Slam and The Rude Awakening Pt. 4

The Rude Awakening IV.

Gentle reader, it is my duty to inform you that this particular installment of The Adventures of Jimmy Jam is even more unsuited for children than usual. We’ve discussed the nature of Whammies and why they should never be used as a substitute for parenting, but I feel we have neglected to address the specific nature of Whammy Breaking.

To put it simply without sugar coating things, in order to break the Whammy, Jimmy’s and Sally’s parents must die. Now, due to the nature of magic and magical people, death isn’t always as final a thing as it seems to the non-magical. Still, dead parents are dead parents and there is little reason to find joy in such a situation. It is a well-known fact that even children who are estranged from their parents feel just as bad about the passing of their parents as a child with good parental relations. No matter how one feels about their parents, it tends to change once they are gone forever from their lives.

When we last saw our group of Whammy Breakers, they were headed into Tiger Tail Resort, an indoor water-park/luxury hotel geared towards children under the age of ten. Jimmy’s Grandfather and his good friend Gustav took Jimmy and Sally there to ride out the Whammy breaking and to give them a good and proper talking to about their behavior, but neither Jimmy nor Sally knew anything about that. Yet.

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05 Jimmy Jam, Sally Slam and The Rude Awakening Pt. 3

The Rude Awakening III

The ride to Tiger Tail Resort was about 60 minutes in adult time. For Jimmy and Sally it felt like exactly 143 minutes. Because of their unfinished brains, high metabolisms, unmitigated curiosity, and unbridled enthusiasm, children are often subject to time warps, slow-downs, speed-ups, and spontaneous bouts of time travel which makes going anywhere with them something of an inconvenience for everyone, big and small, involved.

There are ways to ease the discomfort of children in transit, but many of them involve seeing things from the perspective of a child and trying to understand their point of view. Sadly, these are not popular methods with many modern parents who prefer demanding and ordering their children over understanding them.

Jimmy and Sally were so excited over going to Tiger Tail Resort that they seemed to be full of jumping beans and couldn’t sit still or be quiet without great difficulty. Jimmy’s Grandfather knew this and expected neither quiet nor stillness from either of the children. The little chatter-boxes rattled of a non-stop list off questions that would have exhausted even the most patient parent.

Only a grandparent could hope to live through such an onslaught of queries while retaining their sanity.

A partial list of those questions lies below:

“How did you make my coat appear?”

“How long until the whammy is broken?”

“Can I pee on the side of the road?”

“I wanna pee outside too.”

“Is Tiger Tail Resort really where we’re going?”

“I don’t have to pee anymore.”

“What’s that?”

“Why’s that?”

“Are we there yet?”

“There’s something in Jimmy’s eye.”

“Does Mom know?”

“What about Dad, does he know?”

“Do we get to go on all the rides?”

“How much ice cream can I eat?”

“Will breaking the Whammy hurt?”

“Does everyone get to be a ghost?”

“How many dogs have you owned?”

“How much magic is there?”

“Can I get a hat like the driver has?”

“Am I a witch?”

“I’m thirsty?”

“Is growing up worth it?”

“Is being old fun?”

“What are taxes?”

“What are faxes?”

“Are faxes like taxes?”

“Why do they sound the same then?”

Continue reading “05 Jimmy Jam, Sally Slam and The Rude Awakening Pt. 3”

05 Jimmy Jam, Sally Slam and The Rude Awakening Pt. 2

 

II.

Jimmy and Sally continued their enchanted walk to school. It wasn’t enchanted in the sense that it was extra pleasant or especially beautiful. It wasn’t enchanted in the romantic sense, with hand holding and the kind of promise-making that ends in kissing.

The walk was enchanted simply because Jimmy and Sally were under the influence of a magic spell. A rather sinister enchantment cast by their parents which was meant to force their children to behave. That’s the only reason why it was an enchanted walk. Sometimes, it’s as simple as that.

If you know something about enchantments, then maybe you know that enchanted people walk a little funnier than those who are not the victims of magical manipulations. It’s easy to spot if you know what to look for. There’s usually a little bit of an odd twinkle in the eye. What makes the twinkle odd is that it doesn’t look like it belongs there or to them. It looks like someone else’s eye twinkle got stuck in there and doesn’t know how to get out.

They also tend to tilt a little bit to the left, not too much, just enough to look a little extra off. Like they’re walking two seconds to the left and slightly behind the rest of the world. No one really knows why the tilting happens. It’s just always been that way.

The walk to school was nearly half way over and Sally had seen no sign of the help Jimmy promised.

“What’s the deal, Jimmy? Who’s going to help us break this whammy so we can be bad again? My guilt glands are all swelled up and all I feel like doing is chores and homework. I’m starting to forget how nice it feels to stab someone.”

“That’s gross, Sally. I’m not feeling right either. I just to want to help old ladies cross the street and wear whatever my mom tells me to.”

“Eww, that’s the worst. We have to stop this now before I end up in nursing school.”

“Don’t worry, it’s just around the corner.”

“Where are we going? Junk By Jake’s?”

Continue reading “05 Jimmy Jam, Sally Slam and The Rude Awakening Pt. 2”

05 Jimmy Jam, Sally Slam and the Rude Awakening Pt. 1

 

Last time we saw Jimmy and Sally, Sally had just woken up in the middle of the night and discovered that their extended stay in the Grove of L’il Suicides was nothing but a dream. As it turns out, they didn’t spend a lifetime in the after life. Nor did they eventually return to earth and fall in love. However, their parents were still fed up with what horrible children they were and both Jimmy’s Wizard Uncle and Sally’s Aunt Witch took vows to never bring them back from the dead again.

Jimmy had the same dream Sally did. He too, woke up crying but didn’t call out for comfort. If he did, he was afraid he’d lose the fear he spent years instilling in his mother and second dad. If word got out that he cried over a dream- no matter how terrifying a dream it was- his reputation as coolest kid in town would be tarnished forever. So he sucked it up and chewed on his pillow until he fell back asleep.

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04 Jimmy Jam, Sally Slam, and The 7th Circle Bedlam Pt. 3

 

Gentle and Patient reader, if you remember Jimmy and Sally were last seen being talked to by a very thin man wearing a top hat, who may not have even been a man at all, but rather a living skeleton, in the Young Adult Section of the Grove of Suicides.

You may also remember that our favorite children had been trapped for years in the afterlife due to a misunderstanding over the fundamental nature of how coupons function, a paperwork mishap, and the general slowness of the After Life Judicial System. Being dead for so long isn’t something Jimmy and Sally were used to. Yet, here they were, still dead years after they died.

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