Stellar Forecast With Stella October 2017


Dear Ones,

October is here and with it Pumpkin Spice! I’m not a fan of that stuff myself, but I have to admit that it works great in my new fall line of foot-made lotions. Have you tried “Stella’s Pumpkin Spice Face Moisturizer”? You can get it from my Etsy shop. It’s a little-known fact that how much fall lotion you use is directly proportionate to the amount of positive stellar energy you’re able to absorb. Don’t forget to grab some of my Pumpkin Spice Facial Toner while you’re there, it’s for your own good.

October is also the time of Libra, the sign of balance. Everyone needs more balance in their lives, so it’s a good thing that the sun will be pummeling us with Libra vibes for a while. It’s the energy you need to balance making a new logo for your column with your drinking habits. Balance, am I right? You can balance all kinds of things. You can, for example, balance your prescription medications with your all natural “meds” so you don’t end up melting down on a podcast, getting sent to rehab, and being put on a calmative as a condition of keeping your current job, like what happened to my friend, Alice.

That’s enough about Alice and her bad habits, let’s see what the stars have in store for you this month:

Aries- You’ll find yourself balancing your checkbook while juggling atop a unicycle before you know it if you allow yourself to go running around improperly moisturized.

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Stellar Forecast With Stella September 2017

Dear Ones,

We just about made it through the hell days of summer, so now it’s time to start complaining about how it’s getting colder and colder all the time as the days get shorter and the nights go on forever. It’s just great, isn’t it? A miracle, really. No. Really.

The Sun enters Virgo this month, why I’ll never know. Whorego is more like it. Whatever, I’m too busy to get all basic on this.

Here’s this month’s message from the heavens:

Continue reading “Stellar Forecast With Stella September 2017”

Stellar Forecast With Stella August 2017

outer space 

My Dear Ones,

The Sun has entered Leo, the sign of cats, bringing with it a hot blast of intense solar energy. It’s how summer happens. The hot, humid, hazy, godforsaken summer. Leo energy is the kind of energy that demands you do nothing with your day but lay around and get mad at your uncle for letting the water in your dish get all the way up to room temperature.

The stars are much the same this month, too busy and clueless to help you out properly, so all you get is left over attention and room temperature “sustenance”. It’s enough to make a body want to call DCF (Dept. of Cats and Felines) but those social worker bozos can’t get anything right. Whatever….

Star Mistress Stella, Master of Stars


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Stellar Forecast With Stella July 2017

outer space 

Dear Ones,

As the summer heat reaches its full power, I find myself too cranky to care about what the stars have in store for you. In fact, if this month’s organic farmer’s market and craft show hadn’t been canceled, I wouldn’t have bothered writing this column at all this month. We all have sufferings to endure. Don’t judge me.

Bright Blessings!

Star Mistress Stella, Mistress of Stars


Aries- It should go without saying this month, it should- but it won’t. You always ruin it. Three skulls.

Taurus- You’ll get used to everything being upside down. Not today, but someday. One star now and another before bed time.

Gemini- Checking yourself for ticks shouldn’t take so long, but thanks to the moon’s unwillingness to cooperate with local authorities regarding matters beyond your comprehension, it does. Two Skulls.

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Stellar Forecast With Stella June 2017

outer space Dear Ones, 

My astral guide was mysteriously silent this month, and when I opened the Akashic Door to Heavenly Wisdoms, this is the message that came through. I think it’s for you, Dear Readers! Your Mom called. 

Brightest Blessings, 

Star Mistress Stella, Master of Stars


Aries- Honey. Honey. Honey. Are you still reading those horoscope things? Why is it easier for you to take advice from some off-the-street, sight-unseen stranger than from your own mother? Those horoscopes are probably written by Chinese robots. While they’re busy stealing all the jobs from good American robots. I can’t believe my child would support that kind of injustice. Well, you know how your father would feel about it, if he only knew. When you need advice, honey- come home. That’s what home is for. Just think about that.

Continue reading “Stellar Forecast With Stella June 2017”