Stellar Forecast With Stella February 2018

Dear Ones,

Here we are all fresh furred and well rested from our winter break. In case you didn’t notice, you didn’t get any horoscopes last month, but it shouldn’t have mattered too much since astrology is kinda bullshit anyway. I mean it’s not total bullshit, but it’s not like if you sued me because you claimed that because there was no column last month that you suffered from bankruptcy and confusion and ruined your life people would accept that as a legitimate reason for the pathetic way your life is going. Sorry Peter from Trenton NJ, but I’m not buying it and neither is the court. I’ll see you on the 28th and I have a real lawyer. I’m not representing myself like some sort of lunatic serial killer. Anyway.

On another note, do you know what else is kinda bullshit? Rehab. It only works if you let it, and I’m not letting it. I’m a mess and that’s fine. That’s how goddess made me and goddess don’t make no junk. So whatever.

We have one more note, a pertinent note. This month’s message from the stars:

Aries- “New year, new you” is something you might be saying. You shouldn’t be. No one is buying it. Not after all your talk last New Year’s about becoming an astronaut. You didn’t go to space id you? But you did end up a Stuber driver. 1099! Gig economy! The Future! WOOOOO!

Taurus- Nobody likes eating more than you guys. Chances are you’re eating something right now, aren’t you? Typical. Try to remember to throw up in between courses so you can fit more food inside your disgusting body.

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“Classic” SEG: Stellar Forecast With Stella July 2017


Dear Ones,

As the summer heat reaches its full power, I find myself too cranky to care about what the stars have in store for you. In fact, if this month’s organic farmer’s market and craft show hadn’t been canceled, I wouldn’t have bothered writing this column at all this month. We all have sufferings to endure. Don’t judge me.

Bright Blessings!

Star Mistress Stella, Mistress of Stars


Aries- It should go without saying this month, it should- but it won’t. You always ruin it. Three skulls.

Taurus- You’ll get used to everything being upside down. Not today, but someday. One star now and another before bed time.

Gemini- Checking yourself for ticks shouldn’t take so long, but thanks to the moon’s unwillingness to cooperate with local authorities regarding matters beyond your comprehension, it does. Two Skulls.

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SEG 1st Anniversary: Stellar Forecast by Stella January 2017


Aries- Have you ever wondered what it would be like to shove someone into a tank full of Moray Eels? Play your cards right, and the stars say you have a chance to make it happen on Sunday. Tonight is a good time for romance, providing you equate romance with chest pains. Four skulls.

Taurus- Sometimes it doesn’t matter what the planets have to say, this isn’t one of those times, though. Sorry Taurry but this is going to be a rough cycle for you. Go easy on the lotto tickets and maybe cut back on the gas station dinners and you might make it through. No skulls.

Gemini- Mercury goes rogue on Thursday, leaving you holding a bag with a dollar sign on it and a bunch of awkward questions to answer. Try not to talk or think, your mind can not be trusted until Mercury re-assimilates sometime in 2019. Two skulls, maybe three, depends.

Cancer- Today is a one skull day for your tribe. The moon, the planet of emotions and ruler of your sign, is in an argument with Saturn and Saturn is in no mood for shit taking this week. If you have any sick time consider staying home until the screaming in your head stops.

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Stellar Forecast With Stella December 2017

Dear Ones,
It’s December! Winter is in full bloom as the sun is going to bed earlier and earlier on account of a recent relapse that may or may not have involved smoking some crack with the rats who live by the shed.

Anyway, it’s a big month astrologically speaking. The suns moves out of one sign and into another AND there’s a solstice. The Winter one. Don’t forget to turn your heater on, all cats are going to be cold until March.

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Stellar Forecast With Stella November 2017

Dear Ones,
The year is dwindling away like the serotonin in my brain. The meds helped for a while, but they stopped working after I quit taking them. It’s getting colder but my stupid uncle won’t turn the heat on yet, so I’m just going to have to get used to it. I wish Gary would call me back, I’m running low. At least there’s a full box of meowlowe to keep me company. Sometimes, I wish a single middle-aged woman would adopt me and dress me up in outfits. I’d be such an adorable pumpkin. Here’s your cosmic bullshit for November. Hissasocritious!

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