Straight From The Fridge October 2017

::::::Attention:::::: ::::::Attention::::: :::::::Powerful Announcement About to Take Place. Please grab your cleansing stones and rub your power balls.::::::::::

I, The Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow, Shaman, Monk, Life-Coach, and Ultra-Violet Adult;  am about to shatter your small world with one massive revelation which shall change your life forever. Again.

When I was a child, that’s all I was. I had no title(s) before my name. My parents, for the brief time I was with them, often forsook using my name in order to refer to me as “child”. I do not count that as a title.

Then, when I was 8, I was a Shaman, then after that a monk. After that, I was a Shaman-Monk. The dash was painful and difficult to acquire. But I kept my eye on the prize. After that, more things transpired and I earned the title of Life-Coach. I was soon awarded (in exchange for a small fee) the title of “Reverend Doctor”, which I shorten to “Rev. Dr.” out of modesty. After receiving all those titles, I stopped growing my name for a while in order to focus on the needs of others.

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Mystical Merwin Psychic Pet, Pet Psychic September 2017

Dear Merwin,
Why are cats so afraid of cucumbers? I watch a lot of stuff online and saw like bazillions of cats freaking out when they saw them. I don’t like vegetables either, but c’mon.

Lilly in Lillydale

Dear Lilly,
Good question! I went to the Catstral Plane and took a survey of 100 cats and asked them your question. Here’s the breakdown:

90% were just trying to get on YouTube
3% had bad kittenhood experiences with salad
7% were high as a kite on nip

Mystery solved!
Merwin

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Straight From The Fridge September 2017

Before I give you this month’s seed of wisdom that will plant itself in your soul and blossom into a tree of self-improvement, I want to tell you about my new Twitter initiative.

My Ultraviolet Adultness has given me new artistic abilities. Abilities I have sworn to use to heal you while I also increase my reach and influence as a life coach.

If you are using Twitter, follow me @revdrhugo and every 3-4 minutes 24 hours a day I will “Tweet” out an artistic masterpiece that you will find soothing and inspiring.

Some examples are below:

Continue reading “Straight From The Fridge September 2017”

Straight From The Fridge September 2017

Before I give you this month’s seed of wisdom that will plant itself in your soul and blossom into a tree of self-improvement, I want to tell you about my new Twitter initiative.

My Ultraviolet Adultness has given me new artistic abilities. Abilities I have sworn to use to heal you while I also increase my reach and influence as a life coach.

If you are using Twitter, follow me @revdrhugo and every 3-4 minutes 24 hours a day I will “Tweet” out an artistic masterpiece that you will find soothing and inspiring.

Some examples are below:

Continue reading “Straight From The Fridge September 2017”

Mystical Merwin Psychic Pet, Pet Psychic August 2017

Dear Merwin,

My sister Sue Sally drinks all day and stopped taking care of her baby goat, Marcus. The court gave me custody of him even though I don’t know anything about goats. I love Marcus like he was my own baby goat and even dress him up in pajamas and overalls (but not both at once- he hates that). Also, I let him climb up on whatever he wants, but I don’t think that I’m doing enough to take care of him.

Can you please ask him if he’s happy with me? While I enjoy his company, it’s more important that he is happy and properly cared for.

Thanks,
Sally Sue in Hoboken

Dear Sally Sue,

First, allow me to congratulate you for stepping in and cleaning up your sister’s mess. Drunken goat owners have brought so much destruction to the world already; I’m glad you were able to prevent another disaster before it happened.

Secondly, I spoke with Marcus. Please stop dressing him in the overalls with the boat on them and let him wear the overalls with the rocket ships all over them more often. He feels they allow him to jump higher, and as you must know by now, goats love jumping.

Marcus is as happy as he can be, considering he’s being raised by the wrong species in the wrong environment. He informed me that you do an excellent job of feeding him (he especially likes the Tuesday Tin Can Buffet by the way) and making sure he stays healthy. While he may not seem to appreciate daily visits to the vet’s office, he knows they are
important and will help him grow up to be a healthy adult goat.

And now we come to the problem. Marcus is not, nor does he intend to be, an inside goat. Marcus, like most- if not all- goats, needs to be mostly outside. He’s happy to stay with you until he’s about 8 inches taller than he is now. After that, he’ll need to live on a farm or get a job so he can move out.

Good Luck!
Merwin

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