Happy New Year! Or should I say Happy Hugh year? I think I should say Happy Hugh Year and I think I will. Happy Hugh Year to Hugh (you). There, it has been said.
Because the proprietors of this so-called “publication” chose to be lazy and take a month off instead of doing their jobs during January, you were denied my wisdom, my words, and the calming influence of my photo, which I now provide in order to soothe your frazzled nerves:
Now that you have been soothed, I can continue with my column. Because you are in a state of anxiety and stress as a result of being denied access to my word-medicine, I suggest you read it at least three times this month. In between readings relax yourself in the soul spa that is my blog.
I was going to write about New Year’s resolutions and how they are folly, then I decided to write about another topic since the time for New Year’s Resolutions has passed. Then, as I was meditating, I realized something. What I realized was personal and I am not going to share it with you, but it led me to a series of realizations, some of which I am going to share with you.
The Realizations That I have Recently Made Regarding New Year’s Resolutions that Are Fit To Share With You Even Though It Is Seemingly Too Late To Do So In A Manner That Benefits You.
My sister Sue Sally drinks all day and stopped taking care of her baby goat, Marcus. The court gave me custody of him even though I don’t know anything about goats. I love Marcus like he was my own baby goat and even dress him up in pajamas and overalls (but not both at once- he hates that). Also, I let him climb up on whatever he wants, but I don’t think that I’m doing enough to take care of him.
Can you please ask him if he’s happy with me? While I enjoy his company, it’s more important that he is happy and properly cared for.
Thanks, Sally Sue in Hoboken
Dear Sally Sue,
First, allow me to congratulate you for stepping in and cleaning up your sister’s mess. Drunken goat owners have brought so much destruction to the world already; I’m glad you were able to prevent another disaster before it happened.
Secondly, I spoke with Marcus. Please stop dressing him in the overalls with the boat on them and let him wear the overalls with the rocket ships all over them more often. He feels they allow him to jump higher, and as you must know by now, goats love jumping.
Marcus is as happy as he can be, considering he’s being raised by the wrong species in the wrong environment. He informed me that you do an excellent job of feeding him (he especially likes the Tuesday Tin Can Buffet by the way) and making sure he stays healthy. While he may not seem to appreciate daily visits to the vet’s office, he knows they are
important and will help him grow up to be a healthy adult goat.
And now we come to the problem. Marcus is not, nor does he intend to be, an inside goat. Marcus, like most- if not all- goats, needs to be mostly outside. He’s happy to stay with you until he’s about 8 inches taller than he is now. After that, he’ll need to live on a farm or get a job so he can move out.
Last time we met I explained how this column must evolve in order to meet both my needs as a Life Coach and your needs as an advice need-er. We agreed that the column will now be a Non-Traditional Life Altering Advice Dispersement Channel or N.T.L.A2.D.C for short instead of whatever primitive model of ancient incompetence it was prior to now.
In the 3/17 issue of SEG you said I could tell my friend I had a skeleton for a pal. So I did. And one of the other kid’s mothers heard me and claimed it was slang for a new street drug she just made up. She said the effects were however I was behaving at the moment. She may have heard about it from the secret Oprah email list. Have you heard about this? It’s like an Infowars for concerned upper middle class moms. They don’t like you guys. Anyway, I’m going to be doing a nickel at a Scared Straight Christian boot camp for third graders. It’s built on top of a desecrated Native American holy site. Anything you could do with that?
Several years ago I bought a purple AMC Gremlin to show my peer group that there’s no father to my style. Then all of the sudden everywhere I go I’m seeing purple Gremlins. A few years later I bought a blue Ford Fiesta with opalescent finish. Then, blue Fiestas everywhere! Earlier this year I bought a fire engine red Honda CR-V with a spoiler. Now all I see are people in red CR-Vs. Why does everyone have to cop my style, yo!
They See Me Rollin’
Well you sure have a distinguished taste in cars! Why wouldn’t they want to emulate you? But, what you are experiencing is a shift in your perceptual filter. You see, our brains filter out a bulk of the stimulus we’re receiving every second. It takes what it deems necessary for whatever situation we find ourselves in, creates a model of our current reality and projects it out into the world. If it didn’t we might wind up catatonic or insane. The thing is, the red Hondas were always out there, but the stimulus was discarded by your brain as unnecessary details. That was until you bought your red Honda. You have red Hondas on the mind so you’re noticing all the red Hondas already out there. Want do a fun experiment? Look out the window for minute or two. Now write down all the blue things you remember seeing. It may be a pretty short list. Now look for all the blue things out the window. There’s an awful lot more blue out there than you thought there was! If you’re curious about what life would be like if you didn’t have perceptual filters, learn meditation, join a Sufi school or drop some LSD. It may also help with your narcissism and paranoia.