Page Five Ghoul, September 23rd, 2017

Spirits in the Material World


Byline: Gary Llewellyn

Dateline: September 23rd, 2017

Wizards. I assume they exist. I know plenty of people who say they are. But when you need some wizard shit done, they’re an endangered species who screen their calls. Talking to fortune telling cats is suddenly more interesting than a 73% chance of the Apocalypse. Fine. You think old Gary can’t whip some hedge shit up when he needs to? Think he’s a stranger to applying a little hoodoo elbow grease? Yes folks, old Gary is peeved enough to refer to himself in third person and argue with a straw man.

So what do we have for you today? We’re making extra cash on the side as house exorcists, so some kind of fucking ghost most likely. If people knew how easy haunt breaking was they wouldn’t pay us to do it. Hauntings aren’t really something people think they need to prepare for, but that’s where they’re wrong. Haunting can happen anywhere, anytime. You think because you’re the first occupant of your plywood, wrapped in Tyvek, American eclectic dream home, you’re safe? Let me tell you something, ghosts are dumb as shit and half the time they have no clue where they are. Ever wonder why pagodas have the curly corner roofs? Because ghosts are too fucking stupid to change direction, they hit the roof and go shooting off the little ramps back into ghost space. In ghost space they can hear you scream, because ghost space actually amplifies screams.

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Joneses #9

I Hear You Knocking


“That’s ‘Back in the Day Ray’ taken care of,” Yalda said, watching his whiskey as he swirled it. “You left the portal open for future Super Dick Ray to come crusading through. That leaves Not So Back in the Day Ray. Have you figured out where the detachment chased the Joneses off to?”

“Not yet,” Vidjeda grumbled, glowering into the distance.

“Close enough is good enough. If you’re going to miss, try and make it behind them. But I’m sure I can fix whatever they fuck up if we wind up in front of them. If I remember this Vyx guy correctly, he’s a squish with a cyborg enhancement fetish. Creepy as fuck, but for some reason the whole world wants to blow him. Really pliable, though. He’s got some exploitable skeletons in his closet. Vivisection on poor kids and shit. Dickens on coke type shit. Of course, that would be the shit I remember. It’ll all come back to me once I get there.”

“What do you think your younger self will think?”

“I’d be embarrassed if he didn’t try to kill me.”

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Mystical Merwin Psychic Pet, Pet Psychic September 2017

Dear Merwin,
Why are cats so afraid of cucumbers? I watch a lot of stuff online and saw like bazillions of cats freaking out when they saw them. I don’t like vegetables either, but c’mon.

Lilly in Lillydale

Dear Lilly,
Good question! I went to the Catstral Plane and took a survey of 100 cats and asked them your question. Here’s the breakdown:

90% were just trying to get on YouTube
3% had bad kittenhood experiences with salad
7% were high as a kite on nip

Mystery solved!

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A Primer on Zen Boozism Lesson 06

Dear Brothers and Sisters in Zen Boozism,

This is the last lesson in our course. We’ve been through some crazy stuff along the way. By now, you should be fairly well versed in performing the Sacred Sample and practicing some kind of daily meditation.

If you have been doing those things over the last few months, you are well on your way to becoming a Booze Wizard and have may have noticed some changes in your demeanor and/or internal thought processes. Modifying the external thought process is outside the scope of this course. I’m not even sure that would be something helpful for someone to do.

For this lesson we’re going to learn a new ritual, The Sacred Game.

You may be familiar with the concept of ‘drinking games’, which are games people play to make drinking more fun.

The Sacred Game is a little different from other drinking games in that it’s not meant to make drinking more fun. Drinking is fun enough as it is. The purpose of our drinking game is to keep one’s mind from going over and over the same old thoughts again and again. This is a useful game to play while sober, or not drinking, as well.

If you are going to sacrifice your sobriety on the alter of booze-fueled self evolution, you better have a plan for when your thoughts turn to bullshit. The Sacred Game will give you something else to think about other than how horrible 6th grade was.

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Letter From the Editor, September 16th, 2017

Greetings, Doomed Monkeys. It’s time for your weekly wallop of weirdness and the Saturday Evening Ghost to go with it. We don’t judge, though some might watch. This week the Ruiner returns with the worlds best plan in the latest installment of Easy Way Out. The gang is back with a cold blooded installment of Psamurai. A. Wizard is back to give us another glimpse into the wizard life, with a one-two hit of Wizard on Whizzin’. And I can’t tell you what I think of this week’s Page Five Ghouls until after the deposition. All this is brought to you by our newest sponsor Churchill Foods with a new line of instant meals that will insure victory throughout your day. Well, kids. I’ve worn out my welcome, until next time, tetrahydrocannabinol!