Page Five Ghouls August 19, 2017

Try A Little Tenderness

Byline: Gary Llewellyn

Dateline: August 19th, 2017


Stephanie was giving Oberon a bunch of shit about the drowning. She’s still new at this and still pretty raw about it. I went on a jag around 94-95 where every other day someone was trying to execute me. You hunt monsters, you find monsters. Not so new that she hasn’t managed to amass an army of goblins and a tarrasque. That’s the life, folks. This shit just happens. Learn, as soon as possible, to just ride it. It’s like surfing, except the board is a monster and the ocean is your life.

“Steph. What are you doing?”

“Gary? Where did you come from?” she broke away from berating Oberon.

“I was leading the demon army to Lyon to cut the head off Interpol.”

“I’ll take that piece by piece; what demon army?”

“It was up on the slope before the Cosmic Buzzkill yanked it away. See those trees up there? That’s some of them. What are you doing with Oberon?”

“Oh right. Guys,” she called to some goblins milling about, “Work his midsection.”

Time for reading from Garyology, Vol. 3. What’s better than a vanquished foe? One that owes you a favor.

“Wait. Nobody is working anybody’s midsection,” I stepped between the kobolds and Oberon. “One of you, cut down this half pound sack of shit.”

“What? He tried to kill us,” Stephanie protested.

I gave my look that said, “Trust me. I’m drunk enough to pull it off.”

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Straight From The Fridge August 2017

Greetings unevolved, non-Ultra Violet Adult souls and troubled readers. I, the Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow am back with the first installment of my new and life threatening changing MK Ultra Violet System For Mass Healing On A Global Scale.

As you surely remember, last time I used this column to announce that I discovered that I am the first of the next generation of human evolution. I have surpassed Indigo, Crystal, and Rainbow children and have become an “Ultra Violet Adult”. I also made many promises about how this revelation about myself will enable me to heal you on a massive scale never before seen in this dimension. I do not plan on disappointing you.

As I’m sure you will be happy to know, I have spent this past month eagerly exploring my new, superior, Ultra Violet Adult body in many, many places. Sometimes I performed my explorations in public without anyone noticing. One time I explored myself to my satisfaction on the steps of the public library, and another time while in line at the grocery store and the unenlightened Non-Ultraviolet around me did not notice anything unusual. The most satisfying of all was my exploration in the local post office. They will think twice before they mess with me again.

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Page Five Ghouls – Take Me Away

Take Me Away


Byline: Gary Llewellyn

Dateline: August 12th, 2017

As the tarrasque carved its way through the Fae infantry, I took cover under Baal and braced for inevitable. The inevitable took a long time to get there. I opened my eyes and peeked out. We were no longer on the field of battle, but in the middle of a high school football field and it was no longer the morning. Judging by the darkness of the suburb, it was probably late in the night. I crawled out from under Baal and brushed the dewy grass from my clothes. Standing over me, arms akimbo, shaking his ring of heads in almost parental disappointment, was Dantalion, Hell’s own wet blanket. He always carrying a book he probably never read, and wears a robe with a dopey Shakespeare collar. A real dork always looking for an ass to crawl up.

“What out of hell have you gotten yourself into now, Baal,” Dantalion shook his heads, “And get away from Gary, you don’t know where he’s been.”

“You messed up my glorious death,” I protested.

“It wasn’t by design,” Dantalion said. “I didn’t know you were hiding under Baal. Who, by the way, is suffering from dementia. He’s prone to fugue states. When I heard you were sniffing around, I knew you’d have him off on some ridiculous adventure wearing a tricorn hat.”

“I didn’t put the hat on him.”

“Taking advantage of the infirm. Even for you, Llewellyn, that’s low.”

“He was having the time of his life.”

“He was going to be trampled by a tarrasque.”

“Instead of rotting away in Phoenix.”

“He’s lost his mind.”

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Page Five Ghouls – (sponsored content) – Meanwhile, Oberon the Other Side


Meanwhile, Oberon the Other Side


Byline: Gary Llewellyn

Dateline: August 5th, 2017

I’ve got legions of invisible demons following me across an open, rolling field. Baal, the first king of Hell has offered to be my general and we’re squaring off against the Fae King and swarms of livid, spear-weirding fairies. I wrote a comic book about this when I was fifteen. The fairies were waiting for us when we got here. How they knew where and when to find us is beyond me, but blaming Stolas will satisfy my need to assign blame, for the time being, so I can concentrate on my current predicament.

The fairies were a disciplined unit, lined up in tight formations. Demons are far more chaotic, more akin to berkerers. The Fae King was mounted on a saddled fox, decked out in warrior king armor, the leaf shaped blade on the end of his spear was gleaming in the sun. Baal looked like an idiot, with his sable lined cape and a crown on each of his heads. Baal skittered up to the invisible line we all seem to have agreed on.

“Oberon,” he bellowed.

“Baal,” the Fae King responded and paused, “We know they’re there, Baal.”

“You know what’s there?”

Oberon sighed and turned his fox around and faced his army, “Artillery. Stardust.”

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Stellar Forecast With Stella August 2017

outer space 

My Dear Ones,

The Sun has entered Leo, the sign of cats, bringing with it a hot blast of intense solar energy. It’s how summer happens. The hot, humid, hazy, godforsaken summer. Leo energy is the kind of energy that demands you do nothing with your day but lay around and get mad at your uncle for letting the water in your dish get all the way up to room temperature.

The stars are much the same this month, too busy and clueless to help you out properly, so all you get is left over attention and room temperature “sustenance”. It’s enough to make a body want to call DCF (Dept. of Cats and Felines) but those social worker bozos can’t get anything right. Whatever….

Star Mistress Stella, Master of Stars


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