Straight From The Fridge August 2017

Greetings unevolved, non-Ultra Violet Adult souls and troubled readers. I, the Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow am back with the first installment of my new and life threatening changing MK Ultra Violet System For Mass Healing On A Global Scale.

As you surely remember, last time I used this column to announce that I discovered that I am the first of the next generation of human evolution. I have surpassed Indigo, Crystal, and Rainbow children and have become an “Ultra Violet Adult”. I also made many promises about how this revelation about myself will enable me to heal you on a massive scale never before seen in this dimension. I do not plan on disappointing you.

As I’m sure you will be happy to know, I have spent this past month eagerly exploring my new, superior, Ultra Violet Adult body in many, many places. Sometimes I performed my explorations in public without anyone noticing. One time I explored myself to my satisfaction on the steps of the public library, and another time while in line at the grocery store and the unenlightened Non-Ultraviolet around me did not notice anything unusual. The most satisfying of all was my exploration in the local post office. They will think twice before they mess with me again.

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Page Five Ghouls – Take Me Away

Take Me Away

 

Byline: Gary Llewellyn

Dateline: August 12th, 2017

As the tarrasque carved its way through the Fae infantry, I took cover under Baal and braced for inevitable. The inevitable took a long time to get there. I opened my eyes and peeked out. We were no longer on the field of battle, but in the middle of a high school football field and it was no longer the morning. Judging by the darkness of the suburb, it was probably late in the night. I crawled out from under Baal and brushed the dewy grass from my clothes. Standing over me, arms akimbo, shaking his ring of heads in almost parental disappointment, was Dantalion, Hell’s own wet blanket. He always carrying a book he probably never read, and wears a robe with a dopey Shakespeare collar. A real dork always looking for an ass to crawl up.

“What out of hell have you gotten yourself into now, Baal,” Dantalion shook his heads, “And get away from Gary, you don’t know where he’s been.”

“You messed up my glorious death,” I protested.

“It wasn’t by design,” Dantalion said. “I didn’t know you were hiding under Baal. Who, by the way, is suffering from dementia. He’s prone to fugue states. When I heard you were sniffing around, I knew you’d have him off on some ridiculous adventure wearing a tricorn hat.”

“I didn’t put the hat on him.”

“Taking advantage of the infirm. Even for you, Llewellyn, that’s low.”

“He was having the time of his life.”

“He was going to be trampled by a tarrasque.”

“Instead of rotting away in Phoenix.”

“He’s lost his mind.”

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Page Five Ghouls – (sponsored content) – Meanwhile, Oberon the Other Side

 

Meanwhile, Oberon the Other Side

 

Byline: Gary Llewellyn

Dateline: August 5th, 2017

I’ve got legions of invisible demons following me across an open, rolling field. Baal, the first king of Hell has offered to be my general and we’re squaring off against the Fae King and swarms of livid, spear-weirding fairies. I wrote a comic book about this when I was fifteen. The fairies were waiting for us when we got here. How they knew where and when to find us is beyond me, but blaming Stolas will satisfy my need to assign blame, for the time being, so I can concentrate on my current predicament.

The fairies were a disciplined unit, lined up in tight formations. Demons are far more chaotic, more akin to berkerers. The Fae King was mounted on a saddled fox, decked out in warrior king armor, the leaf shaped blade on the end of his spear was gleaming in the sun. Baal looked like an idiot, with his sable lined cape and a crown on each of his heads. Baal skittered up to the invisible line we all seem to have agreed on.

“Oberon,” he bellowed.

“Baal,” the Fae King responded and paused, “We know they’re there, Baal.”

“You know what’s there?”

Oberon sighed and turned his fox around and faced his army, “Artillery. Stardust.”

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Stellar Forecast With Stella August 2017

outer space 

My Dear Ones,

The Sun has entered Leo, the sign of cats, bringing with it a hot blast of intense solar energy. It’s how summer happens. The hot, humid, hazy, godforsaken summer. Leo energy is the kind of energy that demands you do nothing with your day but lay around and get mad at your uncle for letting the water in your dish get all the way up to room temperature.

The stars are much the same this month, too busy and clueless to help you out properly, so all you get is left over attention and room temperature “sustenance”. It’s enough to make a body want to call DCF (Dept. of Cats and Felines) but those social worker bozos can’t get anything right. Whatever….

Star Mistress Stella, Master of Stars

 

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Page Five Ghouls-Tote That Barge, Lift That Baal

Tote That Barge, Lift That Baal

 

Byline: Gary Llewellyn

Dateline: July 28th, 2017

 

Due to the consumption of copious amounts of LSD in my youth, I no longer have any concept of time. Or, at the very most, an extremely loose concept. The original plan was to hit up all seventy two of these jerks, most of which won’t be happy to see me. It dawned on me as we were skipping out on the hotel bill this morning: by the time I round up all these legions, Interpol, Oberon’s fairy army, and the Nixie Alliance of Lesser Fae could have run roughshod over half the planet and Stephanie been deported to the Bigfoot colony on Mars. This requires some out of the box thinking. For instance, while we were running from the hotel dicks, I was thinking to myself, wouldn’t this be so much easier if we were invisible? A legion of spirits is great, but an invisible legion of spirits? That’s free room service for life, son. Well, as everyone knows, the Ars Goetia tells us that Baal, the first king of Hell himself, teaches us the power of invisibility. Which is ironic, considering when one thinks invisibility, the last person one thinks of is Baal. Discretion is not this guy’s strong suit. He has no control over the volume of his voice and I don’t think he’s aware of it. On top of that, he got a voice that sounds like a blender, weed wacker and chainsaw are engaged in raucous BDSM menage a troi. He also had a tendency to talk during movies. Real embarrassing, but we’ve always been cool because I’m probably the only entity in the universe that never gave him shit for it.

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