Straight From The Fridge October 2017

::::::Attention:::::: ::::::Attention::::: :::::::Powerful Announcement About to Take Place. Please grab your cleansing stones and rub your power balls.::::::::::

I, The Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow, Shaman, Monk, Life-Coach, and Ultra-Violet Adult;  am about to shatter your small world with one massive revelation which shall change your life forever. Again.

When I was a child, that’s all I was. I had no title(s) before my name. My parents, for the brief time I was with them, often forsook using my name in order to refer to me as “child”. I do not count that as a title.

Then, when I was 8, I was a Shaman, then after that a monk. After that, I was a Shaman-Monk. The dash was painful and difficult to acquire. But I kept my eye on the prize. After that, more things transpired and I earned the title of Life-Coach. I was soon awarded (in exchange for a small fee) the title of “Reverend Doctor”, which I shorten to “Rev. Dr.” out of modesty. After receiving all those titles, I stopped growing my name for a while in order to focus on the needs of others.

Continue reading “Straight From The Fridge October 2017”

Page Five Ghoul – October, 14th 2017

Love Like Blood

 

Byline: Gary Llewellyn

Dateline: October 14th, 2017

Folks, people like to stop me on the street and ask, ‘Gary? How can a column like the Page Five Ghouls go so long without even taking a look at vampires?’ First of all, stop doing that. I got shit to do and I don’t have time to answer the same question fifty times a day. Second, 95% of pop culture has you covered there, from Nosferatu all the way to glitter boys. No need for me to waste my time rehashing the lame antics of Monsterdom’s most punchable emo kids.

However, due to recent events I’ve been forced to rethink my position on nature’s original Bauhaus fans. You see, recently, Malawi has become host to a fairly ornery clot of vampires who seem to have given away their last fuck, forming hunting retinues in broad daylight. Things have gotten so hairy the UN bugged out. And  I know how hairy it must be for the UN not to want to have its nose firmly wedged into the situation. As typically happens, the locals have begun turning on each other, often with lethal outcomes. Statistics show that 93% percent of deaths during vampire wildings are actually caused by bumpkins going ham on each other. What invariably happens is that they start making a laundry list of bullshit signs they pull out of their asses to tell if someone is a vampire. Pretty soon after, wearing plaid on a Tuesday becomes a slayable offense. This is the sorry state of monster awareness in the 21st century. Nobody teaches anybody about this, so they learn a bunch of folksy bullshit from their grandmothers. Vampires often never kill their victims. Why finish it when you can send it back for a refill? Most vampires don’t even go after humans. Too much hassle. Many would rather stand around in a dark room with a strobe light, doing a dumb goth dance where they only move their arms, listening to Siouxsie and the Banshees. Plus, these things reek of patchouli and cloves. If you can’t smell these fucks coming from a block away, you may be one of the weak ones on the edge of the herd. Some have reported faintly hearing a chorus-drenched Simon Gallup bass-line drifting somewhere in distance, preceding a vampire incident. Others claim it was Peter Hook, but that’s losing sight of the key point here. Chorus-drenched and played with a pick is what you want to be listening for. Straight eighths, always on the root. You get the idea.

Continue reading “Page Five Ghoul – October, 14th 2017”

Stellar Forecast With Stella October 2017

 

Dear Ones,

October is here and with it Pumpkin Spice! I’m not a fan of that stuff myself, but I have to admit that it works great in my new fall line of foot-made lotions. Have you tried “Stella’s Pumpkin Spice Face Moisturizer”? You can get it from my Etsy shop. It’s a little-known fact that how much fall lotion you use is directly proportionate to the amount of positive stellar energy you’re able to absorb. Don’t forget to grab some of my Pumpkin Spice Facial Toner while you’re there, it’s for your own good.

October is also the time of Libra, the sign of balance. Everyone needs more balance in their lives, so it’s a good thing that the sun will be pummeling us with Libra vibes for a while. It’s the energy you need to balance making a new logo for your column with your drinking habits. Balance, am I right? You can balance all kinds of things. You can, for example, balance your prescription medications with your all natural “meds” so you don’t end up melting down on a podcast, getting sent to rehab, and being put on a calmative as a condition of keeping your current job, like what happened to my friend, Alice.

That’s enough about Alice and her bad habits, let’s see what the stars have in store for you this month:

Aries- You’ll find yourself balancing your checkbook while juggling atop a unicycle before you know it if you allow yourself to go running around improperly moisturized.

Continue reading “Stellar Forecast With Stella October 2017”

Page Five Ghoul – October 7th, 2017

Wolpertinger? It damn near killed ‘er!

 

Byline: Gary Llewellyn

Dateline: October 7th, 2017

Are you religious? If you’re reading this in Europe maybe not. If you’re reading this from America, particularly in the South or Colorado Springs,  you probably are or will say you are for the sake of self-preservation. Well, worry about your unfortunate condition no longer. There are beasts roaming the forests of Bavaria that will convince you, once and for all, that there either is no God or he/she/it just does not give a fuck; the Wolpertinger. These genetic potlucks look like someone animated one of those children’s books with the ring bound cards where you can mix and match the animal parts by flipping the different segments. Like a spiral bound manifesto of Doctor Moreau. It’s when genes cross the line between random chance and just fucking with you. All the woodland creatures gathered one day and had a key party and today their mutant spawn roam the countryside of Bavaria and generally make annoying little shits of themselves.

For instance, I present a duck with antlers, a sparrow’s wings, and rabbit’s ass. How is any of this shit supposed to work together? There’s not enough mass here to make use of the antlers and too much to make use of the wings. And that rabbit ass is just gonna sink. Here one would expect natural selection to perform its merciful duty and nip this shit in the bud. But thanks to the tourism industry, modern man can once again give a knobby, rigid middle finger to natural selection and provide a support system to Mother Nature’s little burdens of the state. Tens of thousands of cooing nitwits flock from middle-class abodes around the world to gawk, take pictures and throw their Cheetos at these cruel parodies of the Almighty’s craft. This arrangement is fine (depends on how loose you’re willing to get with the word ‘fine’), if you fall somewhere on the Kawaii scale between ‘Adorable to the point of eliciting the urge to consume it’ and ‘At least it doesn’t stink’. But what about the others that couldn’t even chart as ‘so ugly it’s cute’? Others like the flying tarantula-faced rattlesnake. Or as the locals call him, ‘Meingottinhimmel’.

Meingottinhimmel and his friends Lamprey Toad and The Squid Face Kid have taken to a life of petty crime. However, since none of their bits work right together, they are pretty awful at it and often go to bed hungry. It doesn’t have to be like this.

Continue reading “Page Five Ghoul – October 7th, 2017”

Page Five Ghouls – September 30th, 2017

Dead Man’s Party

 

Byline: Gary Llewellyn

Dateline: September 30, 201

Guldur’s Law states, “As an online discussion about magick grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving necromancers approaches one.” They’ll tell you necromancy isn’t about hatred of the living, but about communion with the dead, which sounds great until they start dragging wights out the ground, then I have to bail on my weekend in Tahoe (I’m banned in Vegas AND Reno) and shove a bunch of screaming corpses back in their graves. What happens when one gets too big for his britches and raises a sentient undead? Do you let that slide just because the worst you can say about the talking skeleton is that he’s a cheapskate. A skinflint. A tightwad. A Johnny Nopaycheck. Sure he’s been jerking me off for the last year, but he’s okay. What about the next one? And the next ten? And the next legion? All under his command. Or even worse, he can’t control them. How about the not dead types who throw in with him? Out of maybe, greed? If Oberon thinks Alwyn is going to cut him out a little piece of earth to play I’m-the-king in, he’s an idiot. Which brings me to the second possible motivation, stupidity. Check. The third, cowardice. None of these are mutually exclusive, in fact, more often than not, all three are present. I’m just not sure what Oberon’s exact calibrations would have to be to throw in with a necromancer, but then again nature is entropy.

Most necromancers are easily identifiable, as they tend to look like people who have heard the word ‘necromancer’ and know what it means. Their habit is wherever you find decay, naturally occurring or otherwise. They are not limited to raising humans from the dead. Any animal or plant will do, as long as it’s dead. Mostly what comes back is a mindless thrall. Kind of like that popular prime time soap where people fuck with each other against the backdrop of undead being more or less carnivorous squirrels, except under someone’s control. What Alwyn went and done, is gave one agency. That’s a problem. You get a hundred thousand of these things, even if they tell Alwyn to fuck himself, you’re still looking at a destabilizing force the world has never seen. Where are you going to put them? How long do they live? Do they reproduce? Is this something that will grow out of hand in a decade? It has to stop before it starts. Consider yourselves #blessed it hasn’t yet, because I couldn’t tell you why.

Continue reading “Page Five Ghouls – September 30th, 2017”