Stellar Forecast With Stella August 2017

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My Dear Ones,

The Sun has entered Leo, the sign of cats, bringing with it a hot blast of intense solar energy. It’s how summer happens. The hot, humid, hazy, godforsaken summer. Leo energy is the kind of energy that demands you do nothing with your day but lay around and get mad at your uncle for letting the water in your dish get all the way up to room temperature.

The stars are much the same this month, too busy and clueless to help you out properly, so all you get is left over attention and room temperature “sustenance”. It’s enough to make a body want to call DCF (Dept. of Cats and Felines) but those social worker bozos can’t get anything right. Whatever….

Star Mistress Stella, Master of Stars


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Stellar Forecast With Stella July 2017

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Dear Ones,

As the summer heat reaches its full power, I find myself too cranky to care about what the stars have in store for you. In fact, if this month’s organic farmer’s market and craft show hadn’t been canceled, I wouldn’t have bothered writing this column at all this month. We all have sufferings to endure. Don’t judge me.

Bright Blessings!

Star Mistress Stella, Mistress of Stars


Aries- It should go without saying this month, it should- but it won’t. You always ruin it. Three skulls.

Taurus- You’ll get used to everything being upside down. Not today, but someday. One star now and another before bed time.

Gemini- Checking yourself for ticks shouldn’t take so long, but thanks to the moon’s unwillingness to cooperate with local authorities regarding matters beyond your comprehension, it does. Two Skulls.

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Stellar Forecast With Stella June 2017

outer space Dear Ones, 

My astral guide was mysteriously silent this month, and when I opened the Akashic Door to Heavenly Wisdoms, this is the message that came through. I think it’s for you, Dear Readers! Your Mom called. 

Brightest Blessings, 

Star Mistress Stella, Master of Stars


Aries- Honey. Honey. Honey. Are you still reading those horoscope things? Why is it easier for you to take advice from some off-the-street, sight-unseen stranger than from your own mother? Those horoscopes are probably written by Chinese robots. While they’re busy stealing all the jobs from good American robots. I can’t believe my child would support that kind of injustice. Well, you know how your father would feel about it, if he only knew. When you need advice, honey- come home. That’s what home is for. Just think about that.

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