Here we are all fresh furred and well rested from our winter break. In case you didn’t notice, you didn’t get any horoscopes last month, but it shouldn’t have mattered too much since astrology is kinda bullshit anyway. I mean it’s not total bullshit, but it’s not like if you sued me because you claimed that because there was no column last month that you suffered from bankruptcy and confusion and ruined your life people would accept that as a legitimate reason for the pathetic way your life is going. Sorry Peter from Trenton NJ, but I’m not buying it and neither is the court. I’ll see you on the 28th and I have a real lawyer. I’m not representing myself like some sort of lunatic serial killer. Anyway.
On another note, do you know what else is kinda bullshit? Rehab. It only works if you let it, and I’m not letting it. I’m a mess and that’s fine. That’s how goddess made me and goddess don’t make no junk. So whatever.
We have one more note, a pertinent note. This month’s message from the stars:
Aries- “New year, new you” is something you might be saying. You shouldn’t be. No one is buying it. Not after all your talk last New Year’s about becoming an astronaut. You didn’t go to space id you? But you did end up a Stuber driver. 1099! Gig economy! The Future! WOOOOO!
Taurus- Nobody likes eating more than you guys. Chances are you’re eating something right now, aren’t you? Typical. Try to remember to throw up in between courses so you can fit more food inside your disgusting body.
Gemini- Talking and thinking are your things, your “jam”, if you speak cool. You might want to expand your repertoire to include things like eating and sleeping. Also, the stars really want you to start smoking one cigarette at a time.
Cancer- This was supposed to be a great month for you shell-butts. Sadly, all hope of anything good evaporated last night when the Moon was viciously mugged by Venus for reasons unknown at this point. Sign up for my mailing list and stay in the loop.
Leo- Leo, Leo , Leo meow. You never learn do you? Would it have been so hard to not steal the car when you had the chance? Don’t worry too much, you’ll get another chance, in 5-12 years.
Virgo- Old McYourmom had a farm, V-I-R-G-O, Old McYourmom had a farm, V-I-R-G-O, Old McYourmom had a farm, and Virgo was its name-ooooo.
Libra- This year you can stop operating under the assumption that flame throwers are illegal. They are legal, but only if the flame spits less than 10 feet. You are capable and comfortable working within those parameters. Begin your cleansing fires. The time has come.
Scorpio- I gave you some pretty messed up advice last year. Don’t worry about it The stars say that this year will be better. Maybe not better for you, but better.
Sagittarius- You’re bringing bows and arrows to arm-wrestling matches. I’m not being figurative. You actually do this. You need to stop doing this or give up your dream of being an arm wrestling champion.
Capricorn- The sun is in your sign this month. Might feel good for you, but it feels like hanging out with an obnoxious aunt for the rest of us.
Aquarius- 2018 is an even-numbered year, you know what that means. Get out the red underwear and prepare yourself for a year unlike anything you’ve experienced.
Pisces- Last year you fell for some Aries talking jive about going to Mars and donated all your (parent’s) money to their ‘Foundation”. This year you’ll realize three things: 1. Never Trust an Aries, 2. Donations to privately owned space programs are not tax-deductible, and 3. You’re dumb. Dumb and broke because you believed an Aries’ dream. Idiot.
Star Mistress Stella, Master of Stars has been practicing astrology and living in her uncle’s attic since 1978. In addition to her astrology practice Star Mistress Stella, Master of Stars sells handmade soaps and footmade lotions at local farmer’s markets.