What would you like for Christmas?
S.C. in N.P.
Dear S.C. in N.P.,
Thanks for asking. I’d like a box that a cat tree was in, but not the cat tree. I could also use a new mouse that can be stuffed with catnip, but I’m ok with my current set up. This would just be an unnecessary luxury that I could totally do without but would immensely enjoy.
I want to take my cat Sparky (Sparks for short) on a train ride because he hates being in the car. Is this something he’ll enjoy or should I just accept the fact that he hates traveling? I’ve been taking him on rides every week since he was a kitten and I keep thinking he’ll warm to it, but so far he just hates it.
I’m pretty sure your grasp of the obvious could stand a tightening up. Why are you insisting on tormenting your pet? What if someone had been punching you in the face once a week since you were a human kitten and then wondered why you weren’t excited to get punched and kicked in the face once a week instead? Are you even capable of reasoning in this manner?
Your cat hates moving at speeds over 24 mph. He’d love it if you’d take him on a hike instead.
Do cats see ghosts? Because I do and it would be nice to know if cats can too. I want to be a cat when I grow up and this could be a good indication that I’ll be good at it.
Cats, like most creatures, see whatever they are looking at. If you’re seeing ghosts, you must be looking at them. If your cat is seeing ghosts, it’s because it’s looking at one.
The point here is that it’s easy to spend a lot of time wondering about whether or not ghosts are real instead of admitting that ghosts are real. Just relax about the whole ghost thing, they’re real.
Now that that’s settled, let’s address your dream to grow up and become a cat. It’s not really possible for you to do that, you know that right?
Look, I’ll be honest. I don’t have time for this.
As Always I Remain,
I am a time traveler from the year 2343 and I have some disturbing news about cats that I tried to share on Wizard on Whizzin’ Sound Only Edition, but I got hung up on. I wrote you a letter because you can’t hang up on letters.
Here’s the news: In 2234 a cat is elected president of the United States. For some reason, it works out pretty well for everyone on Earth, so much so that many other countries subsequently elected animals to lead them. By 2300 the entire planet is ruled by animals. World peace has been established and hunger is a thing of the past. It’s truly a paradise among Valhallas.
I’m not sure why I was sent back in time to tell you this, but I was. I hope that you know what to do with it. Thanks for hearing me out.
I hear ya loud and clear good buddy. I’ve sent some representatives from the Galactic Alliance to your house for debriefing. They should arrive in a white van with red lights on top. Thanks for sharing and good luck!
As Always I Remain,
Merwin Smith has been a professional psychic pet his entire life. Even though he realized his gifts at an early age, he didn’t start pet psychic-ing professionally until 20 years ago.
He quickly became the darling of the pet psychic scene and was one of the most requested readers at “The Psychic Pet Pet Psychic Shack”.
If you have a question about your pet, you can email Merwin at: email@example.com