It’s December! Winter is in full bloom as the sun is going to bed earlier and earlier on account of a recent relapse that may or may not have involved smoking some crack with the rats who live by the shed.
Anyway, it’s a big month astrologically speaking. The suns moves out of one sign and into another AND there’s a solstice. The Winter one. Don’t forget to turn your heater on, all cats are going to be cold until March.
Aries– You’ll catch the Christmas Spirit pretty early this year. What you do with it is up to you, but I know a guy who buys spirits.
Taurus– This holiday season will give you a chance to really, really, really, get to know yourself. Take that anyway you want.
Gemini– Bring the bag and meet me at the park. No cops this time.
Cancer– Call me back, Gary. I told you I’d send you a secret message through my column. I picked Cancer. It’s the one that says “Gary” in it. Call me.
Leo– Santa Claus and Jesus eat up all the limelight this time of year. Up the shrimp intake and get a few extra lamps to avoid falling prey to S.A.D.
Virgo– The stars were pretty tight lipped about their message for you this month. I wonder what that could mean? It’s never happened before and my books have nothing about it. Maybe you’ll get two messages next month?
Libra– As a Libra, you must be sick and tired of dry, cracked skin. Try some “Stella Brand Foot Made Hand & Body Lotion” now available in holiday scents “Candy Cane Scotch” and “Warm Fire”. Available at my Etsy shop.
Scorpio– The woman at the library couldn’t help you, the man at the gas station didn’t want to, and the doctors had to help you for legal reasons. The stars want you to know the difference.
Sagittarius– I hope you were listening to what I just told all the Scorpios because it’s pretty much the same with you, except you might get some help from the gas station guy if you play your cards right.
Capricorn– Things got said last month and we have to move on. I was full of cosmic bliss and didn’t mean to say nice things about you.
Aquarius– If you can set aside your preconceived notions of love and happiness, ditch your self-destructive behavior, and finish your art history paper by the 15th, you’ll have gotten a lot done.
Pisces– Jupiter does a criss-cross with Mercury while in your sign on the 22nd. Start preparing an alibi now and you should be ok. If it’s not, most murders are solved within 48 hours or not at all. Just saying, two days isn’t that long to hide out. Even if Gary hasn’t called you back yet.
Star Mistress Stella, Master of Stars has been practicing astrology and living in her uncle’s attic since 1978. In addition to her astrology practice Star Mistress Stella, Master of Stars sells handmade soaps and footmade lotions at local farmer’s markets.