Straight From The Fridge September 2017

Before I give you this month’s seed of wisdom that will plant itself in your soul and blossom into a tree of self-improvement, I want to tell you about my new Twitter initiative.

My Ultraviolet Adultness has given me new artistic abilities. Abilities I have sworn to use to heal you while I also increase my reach and influence as a life coach.

If you are using Twitter, follow me @revdrhugo and every 3-4 minutes 24 hours a day I will “Tweet” out an artistic masterpiece that you will find soothing and inspiring.

Some examples are below:

 

That is just enough to whet your mind’s appetite for more, I am sure of it. I am glowing with non-visible light which confirms my conclusion that you want more and I will give you more.

I am willing to offer you the opportunity to join my e-mailing list. As soon as you sign up you will begin to receive notices, updates, offers, and newsletters that I have crafted just for you and you alone. All of you. Alone.

I know that you are busy ruining your life with your poor choices and lack of self-control, so I have embedded a sign up below for your convenience:

Subscribe to my mailing list

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You have been conviened. It was my pleasure.

 

Why am I offering my wisdom on Twitter and via e-mailing lists on a 24 hour a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year basis yet only write this column once per month?

The answer is simple and elegant, therefore far above your ability to understand it. Understanding is not necessary at this step, all you must do is follow and sign-up. Understanding will come when it is ready, after much cajoling and wooing.

Speaking of cajoling and wooing, we are now at the point of this month’s column where I save you effort, money, and jail time by explaining to you what you should already know. This month I will fix your love life. After last month’s tips and tricks for sleeping better, I am sure you have the energy and sleep habits to go seeking love and engage in all the activities that go with it.

This is good news!

This is also terrible. Chances are you will chase love like a poorly rested person who has trouble sleeping and not as the new, refreshed love contraption (love machine comes much later in your evolution) that you are.

In order to avoid the mistakes you have made in the past, you must do something different from what you have been doing. You must do something both different and positive. It will make no difference if you just go about this making new mistakes and committing novel fresh errors.

Since your difficulties are many and your issues endless, I have allowed myself to vibrate at the full volume of my Ultraviolet capacity in order to communicate with my wisest guides. This was a very intimate and intense ordeal for me, one I wish to repeat soon and often. Several times a day perhaps. As soon as I find a solution to the chaffing I will shamelessly repeat this experiment. I assure you of this.

My high-level guides have revealed the top five things you can do instead of what you have been doing in order to fix your love life. Here they are:

Top Five Things You Can Do Instead Of What You Have Been Doing In Order To Fix Your Love Life.

1. Consume More Mushrooms

2. Make An Ultraviolet Adult Your Next Lover

3. Lower Your Standards

4. Higher Your Standards

5. Realize That You Are Not The Only Person In The World

Did you want explanations? Did you think I forgot them? I did not. I was playing a trick on you in order to segue into the bonus tip, which is:

6. Don’t Act Crazy

Now, the list again. This time with the explanations and extrapolations that you have been craving because they have been denied you until now.

1. Consume More Mushrooms

I went over this last time. The amazing benefits of this fungi reach far beyond simple sleep enhancement. Eating at least your weight in mushrooms every day has been scienctasticly proven to increase your attractiveness and vigor- two things everyone looks for in a potential lover. Skipping this tip will severely decrease the effectiveness of the next tips.

2. Make An Ultraviolet Adult Your Next Lover

Being the world’s only Ultraviolet Adult is like being the world’s greatest lover, but better. I am the only one as of now, but that does not mean there won’t be more soon. How soon? I do not know yet. The mushroom people and my guides are unclear. What is clear is that I alone am capable of spreading the Ultraviolet Adult-ness at this moment. I can evolve you with my body if you let me.

I have given you many ways to reach around and out to me, take advantage of some or all of them. Sign up for my e-mailing list and enter my funnel as I enter yours, follow me on Twitter, so we may DM each other into states of bliss unknown, to you, up until now. Or find me on Tindr. I can be found.

3. Lower Your Standards

This may not seem obvious to you at first. Lowered standards always mean increased happiness. Love is no exception to this. Stop waiting for other people to lower their standards so they will love you, lower yours first and find a whole new world of potential lovers. How new? Why, that is up to how low your standards can go.

4. Higher Your Standards

Many people cannot find love because they think they are not worthy. Here is news: no one is worthy of anything. So, higher your standards until you stop feeling unworthy and start feeling like you deserve a relationship. Then you will at least feel worthy of one.

5. Realize That You Are Not The Only Person In The World

If you only make one realization this year, it should be to realize that you are not the only person living on Earth. Others have needs, opinions, desires, and all the other things you have. Simply realizing this one realization will allow you to change and fix so many things for you.

BONUS TIP (WITH EXPLANATION)

6. Don’t Act Crazy

Honestly, this is the most voiced complaint from my love based clients. They all claim that the other person in the relationship is crazy and that they are not. This is always untrue. Sane people and crazy people cannot mate. We have all seen the pictures of what happens when they do, but this does not stop anyone.

So, if you are acting crazy- stop. If you are not, then don’t. It can be that simple. Think about how simple and beautiful the world could be if only you made more sense.

There. A satisfying conclusion to another Straight From The Fridge. What are you waiting for? Take your well-rested body and rub it on someone until both of you are exhausted and then rest well.

So until next time, non solo vestri braccas!

 


The Rev.Dr. Hugo Holmesnow has traveled the planet in a quest to dilute the wisdom teachings of ancient cultures so they are safe enough for common men and women everywhere to purchase and misuse.

His mystic training began at the age of four when he was accidentally left behind in the jungle while on a family vacation. Through a series of unlikely events he was eventually adopted by the local natives and trained to be a tribal shaman. After many years, Dr. Holmesnow left the familiarity and safety of the jungle to search for his family.

When he did not find them he climbed a mountain and was nearly killed in the process. The local mystic monks from the ancient monastery found him and nursed him back to health. This near death experience led him to conclude that there was more to life than what he learned from his shaman jungle training. He then began to immerse himself in the ancient mystical practices of the mountain monks. After many years he mastered them and returned to civilization. Forever changed, eternally superior.

Several weeks later he was no longer Hugo Holmesnow, son of incompetent parents. He was and, is The Rev. Dr. Holmesnow, certified life coach and inventor of the “Better Than You Superior Life Coaching System”. This system provides proven methods and techniques that are part of an overall method which contains the strategies that you need to excel, advance, achieve, attain, reach and conquer your dreams, goals, fears, hopes and desires.

In addition to creating a system of self-improvement, Holmesnow is the author of “What is Wrong With You? An Introduction to What is Wrong With You” and “Conquer Your Dreams: Defeat Your Dreams and Accomplish Your Goals”. Both are available now at Amazon in paperback and e-book formats.

 

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