Mystical Merwin Psychic Pet, Pet Psychic August 2017

Dear Merwin,

My sister Sue Sally drinks all day and stopped taking care of her baby goat, Marcus. The court gave me custody of him even though I don’t know anything about goats. I love Marcus like he was my own baby goat and even dress him up in pajamas and overalls (but not both at once- he hates that). Also, I let him climb up on whatever he wants, but I don’t think that I’m doing enough to take care of him.

Can you please ask him if he’s happy with me? While I enjoy his company, it’s more important that he is happy and properly cared for.

Thanks,
Sally Sue in Hoboken

Dear Sally Sue,

First, allow me to congratulate you for stepping in and cleaning up your sister’s mess. Drunken goat owners have brought so much destruction to the world already; I’m glad you were able to prevent another disaster before it happened.

Secondly, I spoke with Marcus. Please stop dressing him in the overalls with the boat on them and let him wear the overalls with the rocket ships all over them more often. He feels they allow him to jump higher, and as you must know by now, goats love jumping.

Marcus is as happy as he can be, considering he’s being raised by the wrong species in the wrong environment. He informed me that you do an excellent job of feeding him (he especially likes the Tuesday Tin Can Buffet by the way) and making sure he stays healthy. While he may not seem to appreciate daily visits to the vet’s office, he knows they are
important and will help him grow up to be a healthy adult goat.

And now we come to the problem. Marcus is not, nor does he intend to be, an inside goat. Marcus, like most- if not all- goats, needs to be mostly outside. He’s happy to stay with you until he’s about 8 inches taller than he is now. After that, he’ll need to live on a farm or get a job so he can move out.

Good Luck!
Merwin

Dear Merwin,

Yesterday I was cleaning up under the couch and found a bottle of prescription pain killers mixed in with my cat’s bottle cap stash. The name on the label said they were for “Mittens Jojackson”, which is my cat’s name. I don’t remember him getting hurt, nor do I recall him popping pills. I’d like to help him get over this problem, but I’m unsure how to proceed. Can you please visit him in the Catstral Plane and see if you can shed some light on this for me?

Thanks,
Sally Sue in Hoboken

Dear Sally Sue,

While it is possible that Mittens Jojackson has been popping pills without your knowledge because people and animals are capable of doing things while others are not looking, I’m happy to report that this is not the case with Mittens. He has been doing a little bit of drinking because he was afraid of Marcus and needed to get drunk to deal with his feelings about living with a goat. But he says that Marcus is cool and it was silly (and a little racist) to be afraid of goats based on what the other cats at cat school said about them.

However, he’s not entirely innocent here. Seems that Mittens made a deal with your sister to trade pain pills for exotic bottle caps. He faked a back injury and got himself a prescription for pills, which he hid under the couch near his precious bottle caps so you wouldn’t find out about them.

He’s not a bad cat and is very sorry for illegally procuring prescription pills and enabling your sister’s bad habits. He was just trying to help.

He promised to stop and wants you to know he deleted your sister’s phone number from his cell and threw out his prescription slip and the remaining pills. This might lead to a few angry phone calls from your sister who might tell you some disturbing things abut Mittens, but he insists they are all lies. I believe him, since my psychic powers revealed no signs of Mittens lying to me.

Good luck!
Merwin

 

Dear Merwin,

I’ve been studying the language of dogs so I can communicate better with my boyfriend’s dog because I think she sees me as a threat to their relationship, which is only half true.

It’s doing pretty well and I’m able to have simple conversations with most of the neighborhood dogs. They really seem to appreciate me taking the time and effort to speak to them in their own language. The weird thing is, I think I’m turning into a dog and it’s kinda freaking me out. I wouldn’t mind being a dog, but turning into one is uncomfortable.

Any advice would be great! Thanks!
Sally Sue in Hoboken

Dear Sally Sue,

You are not turning into a dog but you may be losing your mind. While I can’t visit you on the Catstral Plane because you are human and only cats and animals are allowed there, I was able to speak with some of the neighborhood dogs that you spoke with, hoping that they might be able to shine some light on this.

Turns out, you’re not speaking dog at all. You’re just making dog sounds. The reason you think you’re getting good at talking to dogs is because the dogs you talk to are just smiling and nodding politely in order to avoid an embarrassing situation.

I urge you to stop doing this as soon as possible.

Please stop,
Merwin

 

 


Merwin Smith has been a professional psychic pet his entire life. Even though he realized his gifts at an early age, he didn’t start pet psychic-ing professionally until 20 years ago.

He quickly became the darling of the pet psychic scene and was one of the most requested readers at “The Psychic Pet Pet Psychic Shack”.

If you have a question about your pet, you can email Merwin at: merwin@saturdayeveningghost.com

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