I think my neighbors cat might be a terrorist. I’ve convinced myself that this cat is a member of that religion that every one hates and is afraid of now a days and I won’t be changing my mind about that any time soon. Lately he received over 30 packages of bang snaps. I feel he’s planning something, possibly something big. What should I do?
Gertrude in New York
I spoke to Hans, the cat in question. We had a nice chat in the Catstral Plane about how irritating it is when people don’t mind their own business. Hans comes from along line of Lutherans and is confused about why you thought he was Muslim. Is it because of the color of his fur? It’s not even black, you monster.
He didn’t feel the need to disclose why he needed so many bang snaps and I didn’t press the issue because I’m polite. He wants to ask you about how someone who gets as many packages from the Doc Johnson Outlet as you do and still be so paranoid about a cat ordering explosives through the mail. Going though mail is a two way street Gertrude. How does it feel?
To answer your question, you should do nothing about this. You might want to get a hobby that doesn’t involve looking out the window and making up stories about things you know nothing about.
As Always I Remain,
I feel like my cat is taking me for granted. The spark’s gone out of the Blanket Game, and he hasn’t pushed open the bathroom door in months. How can I tell if he just wants to be friends? (PS, he seems to like Janet more than me. Am i just fooling myself about our connection?)
Mary Beth From The South
Dear Mary Beth,
I know this seems like a very intense and emotional situation for you, but things are much different for us cats. The truth is, what a cat feels for it’s slave has nothing to do with feelings. It has to do with treats, nip, and bacon. Try not to take this the wrong way, but your cat does like Janet more. It’s not because she likes Janet better, it’s because Janet knows what cats like and want and isn’t afraid to give it to them. They like treats, nip, and bacon.
If you want to win back your cat’s “affection”, “love”, and “interest in you”, then you need to connect to her on her level by speaking her emotional language. Start with the breakfast meats and by the time you work your way to luncheon meats Janet will be nothing but a fuzzy memory to your cat.
Thanks for answering my letter. Chomps’s soul is a hybrid. I bought the magic part in China Town and got the computer part from this girl who spends a lot of time typing on like 7 laptops in a black van that sits in an abandoned parking lot around the corner from my dad’s house. Hope that’s enough info for you to figure this out. Chomps is still nuts! But he’s my dog and I love him!
Alex, age 9 Detroit
That helps a lot. I’ll check with some friends a get back to you son. In the meantime, it might be a good idea t stay away form China Town until you’re 11.
I am an advanced human who has just evolved into a new type of more advanced human. In my previous form, I had no need for pets of any species. However, now that the gap between myself and non-evolved humans has become insurmountable, I feel that I will never be able to relate to anyone, let alone a human. I feel the need to get a cat. A cat that is just as evolved as I am.
I am looking for a cat pet who will travel the astral realms with me while I explore my new body and master my new abilities. I also need this pet to listen to my theories and view my charts. Also, it should like to be dressed up in the clothing of my deceased wife and it can not leave hair all over the place nor should it drink or take pills.
Are you available for a NSA FWB relationship?
Oguh Wonsemloh, GES.com
Dear Oguh Wonsemloh,
Meow. Hiss. Hiss. Meow. Hiss
Merwin Smith has been a professional psychic pet his entire life. Even though he realized his gifts at an early age, he didn’t start pet psychic-ing professionally until 20 years ago.
He quickly became the darling of the pet psychic scene and was one of the most requested readers at “The Psychic Pet Pet Psychic Shack”.
If you have a question about your pet, you can email Merwin at: firstname.lastname@example.org