My astral guide was mysteriously silent this month, and when I opened the Akashic Door to Heavenly Wisdoms, this is the message that came through. I think it’s for you, Dear Readers! Your Mom called.
Star Mistress Stella, Master of Stars
Aries- Honey. Honey. Honey. Are you still reading those horoscope things? Why is it easier for you to take advice from some off-the-street, sight-unseen stranger than from your own mother? Those horoscopes are probably written by Chinese robots. While they’re busy stealing all the jobs from good American robots. I can’t believe my child would support that kind of injustice. Well, you know how your father would feel about it, if he only knew. When you need advice, honey- come home. That’s what home is for. Just think about that.
Taurus- Honey? Well, yes…you were born in a barn. And is that all my fault? Is it? No, Honey, it’s not.
Gemini- Honey, this is your mother. Your father is trying to find some things, hon, in the garage. And I said “You know, I think we loaned those to Our Child.” Because they’re certainly not here and Lord knows nobody else would have wanted them. Most people just buy their own.
Cancer- As your mother, I’m only saying this because I love you…BUT… you’re doing it wrong, honey. I mean, I worry about your property value. Have you even looked at your property value?
Leo- It’s the dog. She misses you. It’s been weeks she’s like this now. Ever since she found you sniffing her things, honey, she’s just all out of sorts. It’s not like her. Could you just call her, honey? Talk to her? I know you didn’t mean it.
Virgo- Are you really going to go out looking like that? I just mean, honey, you have such a pretty face.
Libra- Do you remember, honey, when you were little (about 14) and you really, really wanted a paper route? And I said “No” because you’d starved that poor turtle? (You did, honey. I forgive you.) Well, I think a paper route would be OK now, for you. That turtle is dead. You’d at least- have something.
Scorpio- Hello? Hello? Honey, your father and I are here in your drive. I see your car, but you’re not answering. Are you OK? Your lawn looks like maybe you’ve been ill. Do you need to borrow our mower? Don’t be too proud honey, to borrow your father’s very favorite piece of equipment. He’ll be insulted if you don’t, honey. You know how he is.
Sagittarius- Honey, do you remember the last time you brought a date home? I made my special squash pie. I was so excited for you! 1997 was such a good year for you.
Capricorn- Oh, there you are! I bought you a diet! Now I know you’ve not said anything to me about this, I’m only your mother, but I know your bloating, irritability, and lack of energy – well you’re so sensitive honey. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable you must be. It’s obvious to me. So I just went ahead when I saw it and signed you right up. They just mail it right to you, you’ll love it! Do not even think of paying me back. Don’t even think of it.
Aquarius- Your father and I have been talking about your “goals”. Sweetheart, hear me out- just hear me out, for once- but we really don’t think “leaving the house” is the right thing for you.
Pisces- Your Aunt Jo was asking about you. She hadn’t seen you in so long that she asked if you still had the long hair. I didn’t know what you’d want me to say so I told her about your haircut (it is still pretty long for a haircut. I hope you didn’t pay too much for that?) and your new fish-and- turtle-sitting business and that no, you hadn’t come out yet. She says hello and sends her love. That woman, she just loves everybody!
Star Mistress Stella, Master of Stars has been practicing astrology and living in her uncle’s attic since 1978. In addition to her astrology practice Star Mistress Stella, Master of Stars sells handmade soaps and footmade lotions at local farmer’s markets.