Letter From the Editor August 12, 2017

Greetings, Doomed Monkeys! Here we go again, with a whole new Saturday Evening Ghost. Nobody knows witch way to go in this month’s Crescent City Creeps. Hugo Holmesnow came to work this week to bring us another possibly informative edition of Straight From the Fridge. T. J. Washington shows us why he’s nothing sneeze at in the latest installment of ‘Hoodoo, Hoodone, Hoodid’. And, as always, the globetrotting Page Five Ghouls are checking in on us. All of this is brought to you by our new sponsor, Cannibal’s Choice, whose line of terrific bath products will leave you feeling clean and delicious! So until we meet again (next week), sphygmomanometer!

Crescent City Creeps #8

 

 

Hello Hooray

Winston Cross dropped the peregrine into a padded briefcase and snapped it shut. He threw the briefcase into the back seat of his car and opened the driver’s side. Sturgis took three shots at Cross with a revolver. Cross looked like he was in a movie that was getting tangled in the projector and the bullets sailed through him.

Cross frowned at Sturgis and shook his head with more pathos than anger. Like he was confronting a brother who can’t handle his hootch. Sturgis stared frozen and his face fell into involuntary penitence, “I won’t hold that against you, Verne. I can see why you would be so angry. And terrified.” Cross slid into the driver’s seat and tore off.

 

“We have to go after him,” Toli said yanking on Delareux’s jacket.

“Not tonight,” Delareux murmured, watching Cross’s car shrink as it departed.

“What about that guy has you rattled? We’ve seen things walk through walls.”

“It’s like I said, be either corporeal or incorporeal. Not both.”

“What difference does it make?”

“I’m not locking horns with anything that can walk through a wall and put a slug in my gut.”

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Straight From The Fridge August 2017

Greetings unevolved, non-Ultra Violet Adult souls and troubled readers. I, the Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow am back with the first installment of my new and life threatening changing MK Ultra Violet System For Mass Healing On A Global Scale.

As you surely remember, last time I used this column to announce that I discovered that I am the first of the next generation of human evolution. I have surpassed Indigo, Crystal, and Rainbow children and have become an “Ultra Violet Adult”. I also made many promises about how this revelation about myself will enable me to heal you on a massive scale never before seen in this dimension. I do not plan on disappointing you.

As I’m sure you will be happy to know, I have spent this past month eagerly exploring my new, superior, Ultra Violet Adult body in many, many places. Sometimes I performed my explorations in public without anyone noticing. One time I explored myself to my satisfaction on the steps of the public library, and another time while in line at the grocery store and the unenlightened Non-Ultraviolet around me did not notice anything unusual. The most satisfying of all was my exploration in the local post office. They will think twice before they mess with me again.

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T.J. Washington In “Hoodoo, Hoodone, Hoodid” Pt. 4

 

IV.


My sneeze had revealed to me why Sam and I couldn’t kill Memotepp after we were finished killing Youmotepp. Well, that’s not exactly true. Truth be told, we didn’t kill Memotepp because he wasn’t there. That much was a no brainer and I already knew that. More accurately, my sneeze helped me realize why he wasn’t there to be killed in the first place.

The revelation wasn’t a very comforting one and there were parts that still made no sense, but that was no reason not to trust my instincts. My sneeze-fortified instincts were telling me Memotepp wasn’t a mummy. Nor a human. Vampire could be ruled out too, so could werewolf or a Frankenstein. Many of the other things something could be could also be safely ruled out. It definitely wasn’t a tree or a goat- probably not, definitely probably not.

My guess was that Memotepp was really a mischievous-but-not-evil, shape-shifting spirit from the fairy lands. In other words, Memotepp was Judy.

It had to be true, even though I wasn’t so keen on it being the truth. That’s the thing about things being true, they don’t care about how you feel about them, they just keep on being true in spite of your insistence that they be untrue.

I was starting to wish I had asked Youmotepp some questions before Sam and I burnt him to death just a few hours ago. By the time I had finished wishing that, Sam and I were back in Youmotepp’s office. Sometimes it’s as easy as making a wish and having it granted. It’s an unreliable hook to hang a hat on, there’s no telling when a wish might come true, but when they do…boy, do they.

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Page Five Ghouls – Take Me Away

Take Me Away

 

Byline: Gary Llewellyn

Dateline: August 12th, 2017

As the tarrasque carved its way through the Fae infantry, I took cover under Baal and braced for inevitable. The inevitable took a long time to get there. I opened my eyes and peeked out. We were no longer on the field of battle, but in the middle of a high school football field and it was no longer the morning. Judging by the darkness of the suburb, it was probably late in the night. I crawled out from under Baal and brushed the dewy grass from my clothes. Standing over me, arms akimbo, shaking his ring of heads in almost parental disappointment, was Dantalion, Hell’s own wet blanket. He always carrying a book he probably never read, and wears a robe with a dopey Shakespeare collar. A real dork always looking for an ass to crawl up.

“What out of hell have you gotten yourself into now, Baal,” Dantalion shook his heads, “And get away from Gary, you don’t know where he’s been.”

“You messed up my glorious death,” I protested.

“It wasn’t by design,” Dantalion said. “I didn’t know you were hiding under Baal. Who, by the way, is suffering from dementia. He’s prone to fugue states. When I heard you were sniffing around, I knew you’d have him off on some ridiculous adventure wearing a tricorn hat.”

“I didn’t put the hat on him.”

“Taking advantage of the infirm. Even for you, Llewellyn, that’s low.”

“He was having the time of his life.”

“He was going to be trampled by a tarrasque.”

“Instead of rotting away in Phoenix.”

“He’s lost his mind.”

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