“Classic” SEG: Mystical Merwin Psychic Pet, Pet Psychic August 2017

Dear Merwin,

My sister Sue Sally drinks all day and stopped taking care of her baby goat, Marcus. The court gave me custody of him even though I don’t know anything about goats. I love Marcus like he was my own baby goat and even dress him up in pajamas and overalls (but not both at once- he hates that). Also, I let him climb up on whatever he wants, but I don’t think that I’m doing enough to take care of him.

Can you please ask him if he’s happy with me? While I enjoy his company, it’s more important that he is happy and properly cared for.

Thanks,
Sally Sue in Hoboken

Dear Sally Sue,

First, allow me to congratulate you for stepping in and cleaning up your sister’s mess. Drunken goat owners have brought so much destruction to the world already; I’m glad you were able to prevent another disaster before it happened.

Secondly, I spoke with Marcus. Please stop dressing him in the overalls with the boat on them and let him wear the overalls with the rocket ships all over them more often. He feels they allow him to jump higher, and as you must know by now, goats love jumping.

Marcus is as happy as he can be, considering he’s being raised by the wrong species in the wrong environment. He informed me that you do an excellent job of feeding him (he especially likes the Tuesday Tin Can Buffet by the way) and making sure he stays healthy. While he may not seem to appreciate daily visits to the vet’s office, he knows they are
important and will help him grow up to be a healthy adult goat.

And now we come to the problem. Marcus is not, nor does he intend to be, an inside goat. Marcus, like most- if not all- goats, needs to be mostly outside. He’s happy to stay with you until he’s about 8 inches taller than he is now. After that, he’ll need to live on a farm or get a job so he can move out.

Good Luck!
Merwin

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“Classic” SEG: Page Five Ghouls August 26, 201

Step Right Up

Byline: Gary Llewellyn

Dateline: August 26th, 2017

 

It can take a photon a million or more years to escape to the surface from its birthplace at the core of a star. Photons from the star Cas take sixteen thousand years to reach the Earth. Your life compared to a photon’s is that of a mayfly to you. Yet you were at the exact moment in time and exact point in space to catch that sucker in a cosmic, kamikaze money shot right on your retina, where it has converted to power a chemical chain in your central nervous system that caused you to think you saw light. You saw what your brain tells you is light and adds it to the map it’s constantly projecting onto reality. The relevant part of this rant ended with catching a million years old stellar load in the eye. I’m an imperceptible blip to this thing. I don’t exist long enough to qualify as a phantom, yet I’m at the right place and time, in the history of the universe, to murder the little fucker with my gaze.The point is, people like to tell me, ‘Gary, you can’t fight it. This thing is ancient.’ I slaughter innumerable ancient things just by opening my eyes. And you can open your eyes too. Just write to:

 

Send a $5 check or money order in a SASE to:

Gary’s Used Eclipse Glasses

℅ Kenbro Inc.

777 Mathers Court

Pueblo, CO. 81001

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“Classic” SEG: The Joneses #1

 

Old Friends

Somewhere in orbit around Sirius (2342, about noon Galactic Admin. Chronometric Standard)

Mr. and Mrs. Jones were floating in a small vessel in stellar synchronous orbit around Sirius. They stared out of the windshield at the flares coughed up the nuclear mass. Mr. Jones handed Mrs. Jones and smoldering joint and she handed him a near empty bottle. They nodded in unison to the thumping of the music bouncing around the pod.

“That one looked like a cow,” Mr. Jones said pointing out the window.

“I think I saw a cow earlier,” Mrs. Jones replied, “But it was in orbit so that may have been the mescaline.”

“Mom? Dad? We got a…,” a voice said over the music before being switched off by Mr. Jones.

Mr. and Mrs. Jones continued to nod.

‘Wu-Tang killa’ beez, we on a swarm.’

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“Classic” SEG: Sponsored Content by The Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow- “A Free Taste of My Wisdom and Power

Are you already a blogger?

Are you already doing “blogs”? If so, know that it is not to late to live the dream of one day rising above these urges and once again becoming a decent human being.

I know that being the sort of human being that can enjoy the company of other human beings in a social setting seems like a moon dream, a magical fantastical never going to happen so why not just keep blogging sort of wish. The sort of wish too big for a birthday cake to grant, far too big. That never stops you from trying, does it? Year after year, cake after cake, always failure.

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